Suicide Is Not a Solution
Read Time:6 Minute, 30 Second
In the wake of Anthony Bourdain’s death, there’s been a lot of talk about suicide and why people commit it. My friend, Christine, recently posted on Facebook about it because another friend of hers took her own life and she’s questioning why.
I wish I had an answer to her question, but I don’t. What I can do is write this article, share my stories and try to make people understand because I know how darkness can build up inside the mind and poison your soul to the point where fading into oblivion seems like a pleasant alternative.
It begins when I was sixteen, and one Friday night, instead of joining my folks for dinner at their favorite Mexican restaurant, I begged off to sit home alone, holding a pair of scissors in my lap that I planned to use to open up my wrists. Looking back, I know it seems silly and dramatic, but I really hated life back then. See, at that point in my life, I wasn’t as I am now- unsure of who I was, very few friends, no girls, and living under the same roof with someone who made my life a living Hell just for the sake of bolstering his own ego.
On top of everything else, I’d had an extremely crappy day at school. Yeah, I know it sounds like typical teenage angst now, but think back to when you were sixteen for a minute. When you had a bad day, wasn’t there ever a time when you thought your world was gonna end? If you say no, I’m calling bullshit. Besides, life was one miserable experience after another. I hated it.
Anyway, things had just welled up to the point where I felt like there was no point in living anymore. Before I made the first cut, a part of my brain decided to find a reason to keep going. The first thought was that I wanted to stay alive long enough to read the next issue of Superman. Not much of a reason, I know, but I was grasping for any straw to keep from killing myself. Then I started thinking about my family. Although I wasn’t particularly close with any of them, I figured they would mourn briefly and move on.
I thought of my Dad, and I pictured what my death would do to him. No matter what my relationship with other members of my family might have been, I was closest to my father, and I really loved him. If I had killed myself, I know that he wouldn’t have been far behind me. I knew he would never recover from such a loss. For all the faults I had back then, I knew he loved me, and I couldn’t do that to him. I put down the scissors and swore that no matter what else happened to me, or how bad things got, suicide would never be my way out.
I never broke that promise. I never thought of suicide again. Not seriously, anyway. Through every hardship I suffered, losing a child I didn’t know I’d fathered, getting my heart demolished, being miserable in a bad marriage and getting a divorce, suicide never became an option. It was a little harder to move on when my Dad died of cancer a few years ago, but I kept going even though I had no reason other than to keep breathing. It’s what he would’ve wanted. Things are a little different now. When I had a stroke recently, I never really considered suicide as an option. I have a doggie who needs me to stick around. Beyond that, I have some unfinished business I have to resolve. I’m gonna recover. I have to. No other choice.
The specter of suicide has never left me- around twenty years ago, my best friend’s Uncle killed himself because he was suffering from chronic back pain. My friend was beyond devastated. Then about a year later, another close friend tried to commit suicide because he broke up with his girlfriend. He’s only alive because I showed up at his house the night he attempted it. In more recent developments, a family member has had some issues of her own.
Listen, I know everyone has problems they think they can’t overcome, but it is possible. The secret is that you have to find that one thing to keep you going. It doesn’t matter what it is, it could be something insignificant to anyone else, but who cares? As long as it means something to you, that’s all that matters.
Suicide is a disease; it’s a loss of something we all need, hope. Unlike some people, I don’t consider it to be an act of cowardice, desperation, or selfishness. I’m of the opinion that you simply haven’t looked at it from every angle.
Everyone has personal demons–I understand that. Some people are just better at handling them. Nobody has it completely together. If they act like they do, they probably have a severed head in the freezer. Only kidding of course.
Anyway, as I was saying, everyone has personal demons. I don’t care who you are or your station in life. What matters is how you deal with them. Don’t let them overwhelm you. The only real time you’ll have failed in life is if you totally give up.
As for me, it isn’t just my pup keeping me going. I still have people to piss off. Despite this minor bump in the road, my journey isn’t over yet.
The only thing suicide accomplishes is to rob you of the possibility that it may get better. Everyone is scared of the unknown, but if you give up, you’ll never actually know for certain.
A lot of kids think that just because they get tormented on the internet it’s a reason to hurt themselves- it’s not. It’s just a string of words designed to trigger an emotional response. Words don’t kill. Believe me, I would know. And the truth is, it says more about the haters than it does about you. It’s merely a reflection of the self-loathing they have for themselves. I know that from experience.
For anyone reading this, if you’re thinking about taking your own life, I would suggest that you stop for a minute, take a deep breath, and think. Focus on that one ray of sunshine that brings a smile to your face. It’s not hard if you really try.
I’ve been where you are, and I understand. But as my father used to say, “Son, it’s okay if you’re a dumb-ass once in a while; as long as you learn from your mistakes, you’ll grow up to be a wise-ass!”
If you think there’s nobody in your life who cares, you’re wrong. I do. I wouldn’t be writing this if I didn’t. I know it’s hard to believe sometimes, but there will always be someone in your life who will feel diminished by your loss. Don’t take them down with you. It took me a long time to realize that despite my preference for being alone, I’m not. Unknowingly, I’ve always surrounded myself with good people who have had my back even when I didn’t think I needed it.
So if this article has been of any help to you whatsoever, please share it and add your own story. Thanks for reading and good luck!
-G.
(For Christine and the twins.)
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Thank you for all the praise, but I think all the praise should go towards the folks who thought about it and decided to give life a second chance. They deserve it more. And thank you, Christine. I just wanted to help.
Spoken with such honesty. Thanks for writing this and sharing your pauns and triumphs!!! Huge hug and many blessings 😗
I really needed to see this Greg.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Love you!
Greg, like you suicide seems to have been around me most of my life, at least my adult life. Friends and acquaintances as well as people that I just happen to know about. As a former police officer I have been to a few scenes that were the result of it. I have long since been diagnosed as clinically depressed as well having chronic anxiety but I fortunately learned at a fairly young age how to put those to good use. But, that story about me and The Delta Blues will be for another time. I do know that if anyone considering this horrible act can put themselves in the shoes of their loved ones and feel their pain they will never do it. My nephew’s first wife was only 21 years old and was struggling with addiction when she took her life. For her the inability to break free from drugs was more than she could handle. I do firmly believe that this country has a major problem with suicide. I also believe that the problem in America is largely a fixable problem were it not for the fact that so many people are without access to mental health assistance.
Well done.
Not to be flip but:
I don’t see that you’re being flip at all Caroline. It was an important theme in a desperate time. Very appropriate.
I’ve heard it said suicide is a permanent fix to temporary problems, it was my therapist after mom died that told me that. I’ve been in that dark place myself Greg. anyone even contemplating suicide, please please reach out, someone out there will help you. National suicide hotline, 24/7 they are there to help you 1-800-273-8255.
As a former police officer, I’ve seen the shocking results of many a suicide, and with that came the wonder, in many cases, as to why. The youngest was 10, a girl, who was bullied at school, so she came home, found mom’s sleeping pills, and took them all. A 17-year old boy, also bullied, stuck his father’s shotgun in his mouth and pulled the trigger. His brains dotted the posters of the rock stars that decorated the walls. A normal life, an abnormal death. These things I will never forget.
Gregory such honesty is refreshing in these dark and bitter times. As one who lost a close family member to self murder, I can attest to the strength of your words, and I plan on sharing these words most liberally. May we all be at peace for even in the worst of times there can be found the best of times. Never, ever abandon hope.