An Englishman Muses On His And His Nation’s Fatness (Again)

by Neil Bamforth

Yes. I know. I’ve mentioned this before. Several times as it happens. The thing is, it’s still going on and it’s still fairly constantly in the news. That’s the thing with being current. Sometimes current things just won’t go away. A bit like Brexit. Brexit is current but won’t go away. Obesity is definitely current.

A woman of no more than about 84 pounds was discussing obesity on television. That was distinctly odd, to begin with. It was a bit like a blind man discussing safe driving.

Still, she meant well. She said she was a vegan. I misheard her at first and sat puzzling over how somebody on TV could claim to come from an imaginary planet. Mind you, there are plenty on TV who do seem to come from an imaginary planet.

Then I realized that she hadn’t said Vulcan but vegan, which made more sense. Besides her ears weren’t pointed anyway. Besides, Vulcan got pulverized in one of the reboot movies.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yes. Fat people.

I know it isn’t the politically correct thing to say. Fat people. ‘That’s body shaming!’ shout the politically correct.

To be honest, I’ve lost track of what is and isn’t the correct thing to say about so many things I’ve decided to ignore everybody and just say what comes into my head. Which, I agree, may need some kind of health warning ahead of it.

When I was a lad there weren’t that many fat people. There were some, obviously. Being fat isn’t purely a phenomenon of the 21st Century. There wasn’t anything like so many though.

These days I am fat. Well, by the definition anyway. I’m nearly 16 stone or 224 pounds. My ideal weight is, I am led to believe, about 13 stone or 182 pounds. I prefer pleasantly rotund but, if someone says ‘You’re fat’ I can’t really argue other than pointing out there are plenty much fatter than me.

Why is it? Why has Britain got this very alarming obesity crisis?

I’ve been thinking about it. No, really, I have.

It just has to be, so called, fast food. Junk food. It’s cheap. You could say ‘cheap as chips’ which is a saying over here in Blighty.

You could also say, of course, ‘cheap as McDonald’s’ as McDonald’s is cheap. So, come to that, are the most ‘fast food’ outlets.

There are an absolute plethora of chicken shops on many high streets. There is also a noticeable absence of pigeons on many of these high streets but that’s for another day perhaps.

I see schoolchildren wander in these shops after school and stuff their faces with, hopefully, fried chicken. Often accompanied by chips – or fries as America knows them. If they aren’t gobbling up this stuff they’re in McDonald’s munching through a Big Mac and large fries.

Increasingly, they seem to accompanied by their parents in this dietary choice.

Extraordinarily fat parents stuffing their faces with ‘fast food’ as their children take on ever more accurate ‘mini-me’ appearances of their parents. Although I’m not sure ‘mini-me’ is quite appropriate here. More like ‘maxi-me’ really.

One particular thing I have observed is the penchant for fat men to wear voluminous shirts to try and hide their enormous bellies. The women, on the other hand, seem determined to squeeze into the tightest leg warmers available – well, tight for them anyway given that a Bedouin tent would struggle to cover their ample forms.

I am aware of my ‘fatness’. Certainly, if I got any larger I would actively do something about it. Perhaps I should already? Anyway, I am aware and monitor my shape closely.

Largish stomach but I can still suck it in enough to appear slimmer. Mind you, I have to let it out again in order to breath. Fat and alive is better than slim and turning blue.

My chin is a bit problematic. There seems to be two of them when, clearly, I only require one to prevent my head rolling off at the front.

Still, better two chins than multiple chins a la a certain fat lady eating at a table next to us a few evenings ago. I have no idea how many chins she had. I counted four but, given the rolls of fat wobbling around that area, it is quite conceivable that she may have had six or seven or more hidden away in there.

She ordered a quarter pound beef burger with all the trimmings.

The first bite got rid of half the burger. About 20 seconds of chewing and the second bite completed the demolition. Two bites to eat a quarter pounder?? Add about 40 seconds of chewing and the burger had gone in under a minute. Extraordinary.

It isn’t just poverty you know. Poverty can explain some of it. If a family are poor and can’t afford to buy healthier foods then, clearly, they have to eat. Cheap ‘fast food’ is better than none at all obviously.

The thing is, most of these hugely fat people have massive televisions, four-wheel drive cars, Sky TV and lots of things that are classed as ‘luxury items’ so they can’t be that poor then can they?

Also, when it comes to genuinely poor people such as homeless people they aren’t fat. How many fat people have you seen living in a cardboard box under a bridge then? None I bet.

That is why it isn’t poverty that is doing it – Poverty often being the mantra chanted by the concerned such as the Vulcan / vegan skinny lady on TV the other day.

If it isn’t generally poverty then what is it? Laziness? Couldn’t be bothered cooking a healthier meal for the family? Possibly. Everyone always seems to be in a hurry these days. Well, more so than I’ve ever been anyway. Perhaps it’s a time constraint?

No. It can’t be that. You can buy healthier foods in supermarkets. Yes, they are prepacked and so forth but at least there is fruit and vegetables in them. You aren’t likely to get fat on an apple and a floret of broccoli.

You know what? Having thought this through, I think it’s a conspiracy. It’s a conspiracy by ‘those in charge’. The fatter we get, the less likely it is that we will live longer. People are living longer now you know. Well, those not hit by a truck or something are anyway. There are too many old people. They’re a burden on society. They need looking after and that costs money.

Here’s the plan. Let’s subliminally get people to eat ‘fast food’ through advertising. They get incredibly fat and die. Yes, initially we may have to spend money treating their diabetes and supply them with mobility scooters but, come 45 or 50 they’ll be dead. Maybe earlier if we’re lucky.

Think of the billions we would save not having to look after millions of smelly old people whose minds have gone anyway.

Neil J Bamforth reporting from the planet vegan. Mind you, can you think of another plausible theory? Cue Twilight music.

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