The Alternative Facts Tell Us Liberals Want To Roast Puppies

by Joe Hagstrom

A welcome respite from the nonsense commercials we’re exposed to is the wonderful ads put out by my good friends at Americans for Prosperity and other fine conservative political action groups. Being on the border of Missouri and Illinois doubles my pleasure as I get to watch double the ads.

My good friend Josh Hawley, Republican Senate candidate from Missouri has the airways inundated with attack ads against the feminist liberal Claire McCaskill. While she’s actually a pretty good Senator and Missourians should adore her as she’s not afraid to use swear words, Josh makes a pretty good case based on bullshit about her. At least the PACs do for him as I’ve yet to see an ad paid for by his campaign.

Claire obviously wants maniacal criminals to infest Missouri. Tattooed members of MS13 should be allowed free rein to terrorize innocent Missourians according to the pro-Josh PACs. Knowing there are evil Mexicans running rampant also makes the case for more guns to protect innocent Missourians from naughty illegals raping and murdering although I think more unarmed Black guys have been killed by police than innocent white people have been killed by MS13 in Missouri anyway. But that doesn’t matter as the truth must not be allowed to stand in the way of a good anecdote. Thank you again, President Reagan.

That Claire and the rest of the liberal crowd want unborn babies to be murdered by any hideous means necessary is also a proven alternative fact. We loyal American, Christian Republicans believe all abortion should be outlawed. This “undue burden” nonsense must stop. If God can allow hurricanes to kill thousands than He is obviously okay with an unduly burdened mother dying or carrying an unviable fetus to term. We good Republicans believe suffering babies are God’s will. And if a woman is poor and has to watch her baby suffer and starve because we republicans cut the aid the bleeding hearts think is good but only raises taxes on good Americans is just and righteous. Serves the mother right for her sluttery.

The Illinois ads in favor of Governor Rauner are just as much music to my Republican ears. Although there isn’t a shred of truth to any of the attack ads Rauner has directed at the liberal and sinful J.B. Pritzker, it’s pretty obvious to good Christian Republicans like me that Pritzker not only wants to roast puppies and skewer babies, this guy wants to raise taxes on taxes. He and the disgraced Rod Blagojevich are Democrats so they must be corrupt. Unlike Governor Rauner who is a Godly man. That the last Republican governor, George Ryan, was also in prison for bad deeds like Blagojevich is a mere coincidence to be ignored.

At least Rauner pays for his own ads, unlike Hawley. But rest assured if Hawley wins he will following the footsteps of the great American Senator Mitch McConnell and quickly build plenty of wealth during his time in office. Memberships at Mar a Largo ain’t cheap folks. They have to be high to keep the riff-raff out. Although I appreciate the irony of one of Josh’s attack ads feigning outrage that Claire and her husband are wealthy themselves. Screw her and George Soros! How dare a liberal have money. Screw Nancy Pelosi also. At least we can respect Joe Biden for not cashing in although we really think he’s a fool for not cashing in on his office like McConnell.

The Bible teaches us forgiveness. Well, okay. It doesn’t really teach us much about forgiveness other than a bit in the Gospels. The rest of it is pretty much about revenge and punishment. This makes our use of alternative facts sanctified under God’s Law. It’s handy since this has exempted republicans from many, if not all the Commandments. We can lie, murder, adulterize, covet, anything we want because the alternative facts and scores of famous evangelists endorse all our bullshit. It makes one wonder why Democrats don’t go ahead and roast a few puppies and skewer some babies since the base Republican voters think they do it anyway and will vote republican no matter what.

If Marc Sanford can enjoy a “magnificent pair” of Argentine hottie boobs, if President Trump can boink Playmates and porn stars while married to another woman, might as well have some fun yourselves. The election in 2020 will come down to maybe 150,000 voters spread across Michigan, Pennsylvania, and Ohio anyway. I see no reason that a good time while waiting for this small percentage of the electorate to decide whom they hate more so they vote against the other should matter. And seeing that facts don’t matter to these people, pursuing the puppy roasting vote may be as good a strategy as any.

Running candidates that are far smarter and infinitely more capable and qualified hasn’t worked for the Democrats. Other than President Obama perhaps but he for the most part just gave the normally apathetic a reason to vote. The Republican base voted for the republican anyway. Alternative facts tell us that the normally apathetic may like roasted puppies. They may serve them on Thanksgiving. At least the ones that vote Democrat do. At least that’s what the alternative facts tell us.

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