Today Abortion, Tomorrow the World—What Would Republican Jesus Do?
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It took we Jesus loving Republicans over 40 years but we’re close to achieving our ultimate goal. And ironically it’s from taking a phrase from the playbook of our noted enemy, Malcolm X. We will be outlawing abortion and soon after declaring Christianity according to the preaching of whatever preacher President Trump wants as our national religion. And it’s all because we did this “by any means necessary.”
Sure Trump tells us the silly tripe we want to hear. And he does things we want him to do. He says he’s a strong leader and is making America great again. He isn’t afraid to lie like hell. He has no conscience. He was a great candidate. Bigots and zealots and homophobes all voted for him. And our campaign of vilifying Hillary Clinton for 35 years put him over the top in the Electoral College. In total, it wasn’t Trump that beat Hillary. It was us. Trump was and is a mere dupe totally oblivious to our goals. He was merely a means to an end. We knew a true believer in all the factually baseless nonsense which is the Republican platform would not win the Presidency even against Hillary Clinton.
Now you know why we maneuvered Mike Pence into the Vice Presidency. Once we’re done with Trump or Mueller is and Mitch McConnell is ready, Trump will be carted off to prison and we have the guy we wanted all along and he gets to run as the incumbent that unlike the sucker Gerald Ford, didn’t pardon the disgraced President. That guarantees us two more Supreme Court seats. We will be able to do anything we want. And that won’t stop with criminalizing abortion. Think your Social Security is safe? Think again. Nothing in The Constitution says we must have Social Security. It does say we can keep and bear arms though. Funny how loyal our voters will stay loyal even if we cancel Social Security as long as we don’t take their guns. And funnier still is how much more loyal they will be when we have Christianity declared the official religion of the United States.
I’m well aware what The Constitution says about the establishment of a religion. But as the five Justices on my side would readily agree, Christianity isn’t so much a religion as a foundation for our Nation. All the Founding Fathers paid heed to Divine Providence. It is obvious their intent was for ours to be a Christian Nation. That doesn’t mean one isn’t free to practice their own religion or even atheism. Thomas Jefferson notably said let the Atheist take care of his practices. No atheist ever did him any harm. It made no difference to the Founders whether on worshipped 20 gods or no god. The wording of the Constitution merely states they could worship whom they chose without interference. And they are welcome to worship pagan deities and burn in Hell. But there is only one God as recognized by our Founders. Ipso facto, the God they recognized is the God of the United States. The God of Abraham. The God who sent His Son to redeem us. The God that even President Obama praised at the church in Chicago whose preacher called for Him to damn America.
Even if one is not convinced by the obvious intent of the Founding Fathers that Christianity is the religion of the land, be convinced by the Heritage Foundation, Federalist Society approved Supreme Court Justice we have. They didn’t get that approval because of their independent thought and devotion to the law. It was their devotion to the Republican platform that got them there. Even though anyone of humor must appreciate the irony of the Federalist Society being a conservative think tank when the guy that wrote most of the Federalist Papers was perhaps the most liberal-minded of the Founding Fathers, Alexander Hamilton. The irony is a foreign concept to most of us Republicans.
The good news for those who want to murder fetuses is instead of pamphlets about abortion options and confusing adoption options, is they will get government approved literature about God. This should bring joy to liberals as they want the government to spend more money and I can think of nothing better to spend money on than government issued bibles and religious literature. And at least the Latter Day Saints crowd will have to get permits before knocking on doors and wearing people out with their weird brand of Christianity.
No doubt the banning of abortion and establishing Christianity as the official religion will rankle the Liberals. They will all decry it as an attack on liberty. But as Patrick Henry said, “Give me liberty or give me death.” My friends in Ohio are offering the death penalty for those having and performing abortions and if it passes, and it will certainly pass this Supreme Court, you can have all the death you want to inflict on yourselves. And my good friends Mike Pence, Mitch McConnell and buddies at the Heritage Foundation will make it all legal. And God bless you and may God bless America. He will for sure once we change the stars on our flag to crosses. So most of all, may God bless John Roberts, Clarence Thomas, Neil Gorsuch, Samuel Alito and Bret Kavanaugh.
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Joe, that is one great piece of writing except the thought of any part of coming true scares the hell out of me. If the Jesus depicted in the Bible comes back he will be out of luck. Having been cast out of Israel, so to speak, He would become an immigrant seeking asylum here and you know how well that is going under our new president. Him being of Mideastern descent would probably seem dangerous to those far right wingers. Yep, preaching love for your neighbors, huh, wrong country buddy. No right wing Christian would be running around with long hair, sandals, and and a robe. Someone would shoot him on sight. Especially if he should start getting more attention than Trump himself. 🙂
Republican Jesus? Ha! Nice one Joe and very colourful indeed.
When I first read your article Joe, I doubted the veracity of the pending anti-abortion Ohio legislation and the death penalty rider, until I clicked the link and was shocked that it’s actually happening. The governor has made it clear he will veto any such bill, however, and no one knows what the incoming governor will do. All in all, it’s just part of crazy Trump world and no one knows what’s next.
Republican Jesus would explain the scripture of turning the other cheek to mean that those most fortunate should ignore the suffering of their fellow human beings as their suffering is a gift from God and it would be sinful to go against God’s wishes for sufferers to suffer. The rich white people are the ones suffering persecution. That is their cross to bear. Look at poor Melania Trump. A few measly emails mistakenly sent by a private server and the Godless persecute her mercilessly. It was different when Hillary did it though.
I think you mean Ivanka Trump, the daughter, and occasional bedmate of her daddy, or so it is rumored you know.
I knew that. Brain fart. I don’t know about Ivanka doing the nasty with her daddy though. But I’ve heard some people say as well and there are good and bad rumor mongers on both sides.
Ah, a place to love is Sunday at MadMike’s! Joe, Burr, Glenn, Bill, Gregory, and even Mike sometimes sets pen to paper and rewards us all with his wisdom and ornery sense of humor. While the scribes themselves most carefully blot their fallen ink and hasten to post their words, much learning, laughter, and purpose can be found in the comments. There have even been those more than a few times when I have laughed out loud, and, upon one occasion, at least, spilled my coffee, tea or wine, depending on the time of day. So, given all this careful and careless humor, as in abortion and execution, we must truly ask ourselves Joe—What WOULD the Republican Jesus really do?
“Ornery sense of humor?” LOL. Now I need to figure out what that means. Should I curse you or condemn you old friend?
Your fun and funny article, although scary in its occasional honesty, begs the eternal question: what would the Republican Jesus really do?