How Animal Slander Gets My Dander

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by Neil Bamforth

We have a lot of ‘anti’ words in our language. Some are hyphenated some are not. There is anti-cholinergic for a start and no, I have no idea. I just found it on the internet. Antidepressants, anti-capitalism (I like that one because it is an ‘ism’ as well as an ‘anti’), antisubmarine – don’t ask me I’m just browsing an internet list of them.

The latest ‘anti’ I have come across is ‘anti-animal’. This relates to any saying that includes animals and, sometimes, of course, they are derogatory. PETA (People for the ethical treatment of animals), among others, are demanding that we stop using anti-animal sayings.

Being something of an animal lover I am inclined to agree with them. What has always puzzled me though, is where the hell most of these sayings came from in the first place.

‘The early bird catches the worm’. What does that mean exactly? Any birds who wake up late starve? Rubbish. We’ve at least a dozen seagulls around here who never wake up before about 10 in the morning and they’re bloody huge. No sense of direction either apparently. No sea for miles and miles.

‘As stubborn as a mule’. Really? Well, lets put several heavy bags on your back and see how happy you are about it then shall we? They aren’t stubborn they’re just saying “Get this bloody heavy crap off of me!”

‘Pig ignorant’. Charming. Have you ever met an ignorant pig? Pigs are actually extraordinarily intelligent sentient beings. A damn sight cleverer than many people I know. It almost makes me feel guilty to enjoy a bacon sandwich. Almost.

‘Sick as a parrot’. I have no idea why parrots are presumed to be sick. This particular saying once dominated the interviews with football team managers on TV after their team had been beaten, as in “I’m sick as a parrot we got beaten”. The fact there wasn’t a parrot on the planet that could care less who had won the game didn’t seem to dawn on anybody.

‘In the doghouse’. Now, this particularly resonates with me as I have spent quite a bit of my married life in this particular place for one reason or another. Not only do I rarely understand why I am in the ‘dog house’, but I also tend to spend even longer there when I tell the wife she is talking drivel as there are no dog houses for miles around here.

‘A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush’. This might as well be said in Mandarin or Greek for the difference it makes to me. Utter gibberish.

‘A little bird told me’. Really? Who are you then? Doctor Doolittle?

‘The Elephant in the room’. Well, that’s buggered up your carpet then.

Daft aren’t they? Whatever possessed us to invent such stupid animal-related sayings? ‘Birds of a feather flock together’. Well, they’d bloody have to if they only had one feather between them, wouldn’t they?

Although there are a few that are derogatory to animals, most are just stupid. I wonder whether it points to some kind of undercurrent that shows how little respect many humans really have for animals? I reckon that’s probably it. What do you think?

Anyway, it’s getting near lunchtime over here and I’m starving. In fact, I’m so hungry I could ‘eat a horse’. Probably just as well I’m not French then or the horses around here might need to worry.

There’s a Korean restaurant just opened nearby. I bet they don’t ‘let sleeping dogs lie’. They’ll hit them over the head and make dinner. Apparently, this saying came in around the 14th century so we’ve been at it a while then haven’t we?

You stick to your guns PETA. I’ll support you. I will stop using animal sayings and just carry on eating them. Well, some of them anyway.

‘Stick to your guns’? Not animal related but still daft. I might have to start thinking before I speak at this rate.

Oi! Who said, “about time”? Cheeky bugger.

About Post Author

Neil Bamforth

I am English first, British second and never ever European. I have supported Oldham Athletic FC for 50 years which has made me immune from depression. My taste buds have died due to too many red hot curries so I drink Kronenburg beer and milk - sometimes in the same glass. I have a wife, daughter, 9 cats and I like toast.
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Neil Bamforth
5 years ago

With you there Glenn….there’s songs too…”The Lion Sleeps Tonight”…so what does it do every other night? Must be one knackered Lion….

Reply to  Neil Bamforth
5 years ago

LOL LOL! I’ll never be able to listen to that song, one of my favorites, the same way again!!! 🙂 🙂

5 years ago

One thing I like about animals is that they don’t say silly things like “words have power.” Of course words do affect my canine companions – words like food and treat and walk and the like, but they never take offence at anything you say. I wish people were like that.

There are a lot of things I don’t like about PETA although I’m a hot head when it comes to animal cruelty but animals are cruel, like nature itself. I don’t accept that riding a horse is abuse – or making your dog herd sheep – and speaking of sheep, why can lions eat them but we can’t?

So anyway, if PETA is going to tell me my pampered pets are being abused because they wear a collar, I’ll simply flip them the bird as we say here – Oops!

Reply to  Glenn Geist
5 years ago

You are so right Glenn. PETA has some recommendations and policies that are hard to abide, such as those you mention, but the worst might be their euthanasia policy, which is euthanizing all dogs and cats they pick up as they believe there are too many already. They constantly cluck like chickens (oops) at people for the tiniest, least significant things and yet look at what they do.

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