Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays From A Twatwaffle
Read Time:2 Minute, 42 Second
It is the season of goodwill to all men. I beg your pardon, the season of goodwill to all men and women. No, try again. The season of goodwill to all. That’s better. Inclusive. Right. Got it. Sorted. It is the season when everybody starts wishing everybody else a ‘Happy Christmas’. No, that isn’t right anymore. Oh yes, I remember, some say ‘Happy Holidays’ although I’m not aware that most of them are actually going off to any sun-kissed beaches. I suppose some are. Lucky buggers.
Anyway, ’tis the season to be jolly and be ever so nice to everybody. Well, everybody that you want to be nice to anyway.
You could call it an ‘exceptional season’ in many ways with all this jollity and wishing well on everybody but, I would suggest, the ‘exceptional’ should probably read ‘except’.
Brexiteers wish everybody well except for Remainers, as Remainers wish the same except to Brexiteers. American Democrats wish everyone well except for Republicans and vice versa. Kim Jong-Un wishes everybody well except for anybody he is about to execute. The Saudi’s wish everybody well except for journalists they decide to murder.
Islamic State wishes everybody well except for everybody they are planning to blow up or decapitate. Vladimir Putin wishes everybody well except for anybody on the list for being poisoned by Russian agents who are really just sightseeing.
China wishes everybody well except for those pesky dissidents who they have locked up and anybody in Tibet. President Trump wishes everybody well except for anybody who he doesn’t like, which is an alarmingly long list it seems. Christian fundamentalists wish everybody well except for anybody who isn’t a fundamentalist Christian as, of course, do religious fundamentalists everywhere.
Everybody wishes the Scots well except on New Year’s Eve when everybody has to sing ‘Auld Lang Syne’, regardless of not having a clue what it means or what the words are.
Everybody wishes transgender reindeer well now it has come to light that only female reindeer retain their antlers in winter thereby establishing that Donner, Blitzen Rudolph et al are clearly transgender. Except for Dancer who always seemed a bit different when you think about it.
The European Union wishes everybody well except for the United Kingdom who are really being a pain in the ass. The United Kingdom wishes everybody well except for the European Union who is really being a pain in the ass.
Hundreds of thousands of Africans would wish everybody well except they are dead from starvation. Lots of species would wish everybody well except humanity wiped them out before they could.
Humanity would wish everybody well except they are human and that would be a contradiction in terms.
God, if he existed, would wish everybody well except he has his non-existent head in his hands thinking ‘How the fuck did it all go so wrong?’
What an except(ional) season we have upon us.
Twatwaffle wishes everybody and everything something that is very genuine in whatever terms are inclusive, don’t offend, are not harmful in any way and will not get me arrested.
Except for Brussels sprouts of course.
Merry Christmas one and all. (Except those who prefer Happy Holidays)
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Shame on you Bobbie….offending Parsons like that! 😜
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂🐔
I would have thought Mr Bamforth is more of a Parsons Nose man.
hee hee, I just went and googled this. Yes it was so wrong but I laughed anyhow. You are awful, now come sit by me so we can talk 😉
LOL! I also Googled it and here is what I found:
“The term “parson’s nose” comes from the idea of an arrogant English parson having “his nose in the air” like a chicken’s rear. If you’re wondering, it’s the butt of every joke.
“A parson’s nose is the triangular stub where tailfeathers grow on poultry. Also called the pygostyle, the fleshy tail is either cut off after trussing the bird, or left on and eaten as a delicacy. Chances are if you’re cooking, you’ll be trying the pope’s nose (another nickname).”
When it comes to breasts, small and firm win any day.
I’m on about Turkey n Chicken! Behave! 🐔😜
Mike, I was wondering if we should do a psycho analysis on your very definitive statement about your meat preference on turkey or chicken. I mean, I am sure we got the point that you like turkey, and your hint of dark meat over white meat became a flashing light the second time your mentioned it. Or was that more about legs and thighs and not being a breast man? Just thinking out loud.
Oh Bill, my friend, you’ve known me too long 🙂 But, yes, I’m definitely an ass, I mean thigh man, and legs that go all the way up to the thighs of course. Speaking of turkey naturally.
I’m an ass person too but only after I have seen the eyes. It’s a thing with me, I like an ass that is nice. Oh wait, we’re talking turkey and chicken, yeah no… I don’t eat that type of meat at all 😉
LOL LOL!! Yeah. Eyes 🙂
No seriously, I have a thing about eyes I always have had an eye fetish, not like I’m going to go blind people or anything but one never knows with me does one 😉 Micheal Ealy, beautiful eyes, Paul Newman same, Elizabeth Taylor I would die for her eyes. Liam Hemsworth, Ian Somerhalder, Chris Pine, Chris Hemsworth, Chris Evans, hell just all the Chrises all of them Katie, that are put in front of me.
I’m an eye person. Seriously. Might be the most important thing for me. I have been told I have “bedroom eyes.” Haven’t tried them out lately so…
I would be so proud to have another daughter if it was you!!! 😀😀😀😘
Thank you Bill 😀
Cabbage and root veggies Jess? Oh dear….I take it your bathroom was a no go area for a while? 😂😂😂
This was my feat of strength, clearing out a room without lifting a hand to do it 🙂 No it was at a friend’s home for a holiday thing, I don’t care at my house, since it’s only me and the animals and I can blame them like I used to when Kent was alive. I’d say the barking spider symphony had begun or my buttcheeks were just sneezing. I’m not a very good lady at all, I’m like David Walliams character in Little Britain I just get dressed up as a lady and act way differently than society expects. I totally blame my dad for this, totally, because he’s the one that taught me how to burp the alphabet and do armpit farts in competition with him to see which one of us could be the more disgusting. My mom would give him in trouble but then she would be sitting there laughing at us.
Lady or not we love you Jess. Armpit farts and all 🙂
In case you missed this old bean:
http://fairandunbalanced.com/?p=13446#comment-15532
Well even a twatwaffle deserves a wish for good fortune, so consider it wished.
Not forgetting Feats Of Strength.
I happened to clear out a room the other day after a meal that consisted mainly of cabbage and root veggies for me. I need not go any further because it would not be lady like and I am just such a cultured lady. OMG I just thought about it and if my mom were here and she saw me do and say half the shit I do and say, she would drop dead again due to the sheer embarrassment of it all.
[…] From Neil Bamforth at MadMikesAmerica: […]
It’s Festivus for the rest of us. Grievances can be aired out over there…no no not there over there 🙂
Yes! I do love Festivus, and yes, feats of strength and all 🙂
I seem to recall that in Christian, or Latin, which is the same thing, the story goes “In terra pax hominibus bonae voluntatis”
My question is about whether that means peace on earth to people of good will or is it good will toward all people good or bad?
It’s important because I see so little evidence that there is much other than very superficial and politically limited good will around town. Maybe there isn’t any and Santa won’t be bringing any around this year at all. But maybe we’re supposed to get good will down our chimmney, deserving or not. Unless it’s redeemable in cash, I don’t care.
Anyway, I’m not Latin Scholar and I’m an atheist. In fact I don’t even have a chimmney but thanks for the good wishes good sir and as to the rest of all y’all, Peace, Pax or Pox as the situation demands.
I actually hate the whole holiday’s nightmare, starting with Turkey Day through January 2d.
You on holiday then? ;-)…..anyway…what’s Turkey ever done to you??
Thanksgiving tha knows 🙂 I do like turkey, but not the white meat, only the dark meat. Same goes for chicken. Hate the breast, love the legs, and thighs, ya twatwaffle 🙂