Did God Really Ordain Donald Trump President?

by Gregory B. Gonzalez

I really hate Sarah Huckabee Sanders. She makes me miss Sean Spicer, if that’s possible. Hell, I’d take the Mooch over her any frickin’ day of the week!

It’s not just the way she looks. I mean, I can handle the fact that she looks like Jabba the Hutt on Slim-Fast, dressed in drag, wearing a cheap wig and sporting a pearl necklace. It’s that she speaks in that sugary, deep fried, southern accent that makes me want to shove my hand down my sink’s garbage disposal unit. It’s also the lies she spouts with a straight face. If I were in that press room with her, it would take every last ounce of restraint to keep from screaming, “LYING BITCH!” and jumping onto the stage and throttling the life out of her. I don’t know how Jim Acosta does it.

I’m kinda glad Trump told her not to bother with press conferences anymore. I don’t mind her getting paid to do nothing. If it keeps her blowhole shut, so much the better. Trump might as well have told her, “Don’t bother. Nobody’s buying it anymore!”

But of course, a mouthpiece that doesn’t talk is a ball gag. Which is what I wish she had. A few days ago, she told reporters,  “l think God calls all of us to fill different roles at different times, and I think he wanted Donald Trump to become president.”


Do you REALLY think God hates humanity so much that he would force that tangerine pestilence on us? Personally, I give God more credit than that. Besides, God had nothing to do with foisting that walking cyst on us. Putin, the red states, and the electoral college did. So if by God, Sanders means Vladimir Putin, she may have been right. Besides, Vladimir probably thinks of himself as a deity anyway. The guy takes shirtless pictures of himself, for crying out loud.

But she’s not the first religious whackjob to say that a Republican was ‘ordained’ to be President. They said the same thing about George W. Bush, too. And in response, I always ask the same question- “If that’s the case, then either you’re an idiot, or God’s a dick! Which is it?” To this day, I’ve never gotten a satisfactory answer.

For that matter, why are republicans the only ones who get ordained to be president? Wouldn’t the same standard apply to democrats as well? Kinda hypocritical, don’t you think? But here’s the difference for those of you keeping score- Clinton and Obama actually WON their respective elections. Bush and Donnie were appointed. They didn’t win the popular vote. Kinda seems to me that the democrats have more right to claim to be ‘ordained’ than the republicans. Or is my logic flawed?

Getting back to the orange skidmark that walks, Evangelicals in this country actually consider him to be a man of God. Sure, he is. Just like Kim Kardashian is a woman of chaste and virtue. The guy can’t name one single book of the bible and probably couldn’t give you God’s actual name, much less spell it.

Evangelicals have to be the stupidest, most hypocritical people on Earth. I wish the Rapture would happen if only just so they would go the Hell away. They’re not interested in being Christian, they’re only interested in telling you how Christian you’re not. I love it when they tell me I’m going to burn in Hell. I’m like, “Are you gonna be in Heaven?” The answer is usually an ironclad certainty. Then I say, “Then I’ll be happy to burn for Eternity!”

What is it with these idiots? They think that just because they masturbate with a bible and kill an hour in church, they’ve somehow got the moral high ground?

NEWSFLASH: The Earth is OLDER than five thousand years, dinosaurs didn’t exist in biblical times, the ten commandments are bullshit, evolution is REAL, and the Lord DID NOT make Donald Trump President!

Wake up and smell the sacramental wine! End rant.

Oh, and the next time some mouth breather says, “Jesus loves you,” tell them, “Really? He’s been my gardener for years and never said a thing to me!”

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Posted by on February 3, 2019. Filed under COMMENTARY/OPINION. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can leave a response or trackback to this entry
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10 Responses to Did God Really Ordain Donald Trump President?

  1. Joe Hagstrom Reply

    February 3, 2019 at 8:39 am

    I generally try to refrain from commenting on physical appearance of women anyway, seeing as how I’m no Adonis myself. So your attacks on Sarah’s slovenly dumpiness gives me offense. I really think her hiring was Melania’s idea so Trump wouldn’t be tempted.

    • Michael John Scott Reply

      February 3, 2019 at 9:07 am

      LOL! I agree with you Joe. Melania was tired of The Big Pig waving his tiny penis to and fro, so she hired Sarah for obvious reasons.

      • jess Reply

        February 3, 2019 at 12:29 pm

        I was sitting here enjoying a cinnamon roll with some tea and now I am not. Thanks Mike.

        • Michael John Scott Reply

          February 4, 2019 at 8:21 am

          LOL! So sorry Jess, but you’ll have to blame Greg. He wrote it 🙂

  2. Glenn Geist Reply

    February 3, 2019 at 10:41 am

    Since Constantine, the religion has served to prop up whatever king reigneth and has been the constant enemy of democracy. The ex post facto effort to identify Jesus with David the king and David the slingshot boy was to sell him as God’s choice for king rather than the people’s choice – like Saul. It’s no different today and unfortunately people are no different either. We hate freedom and want to be told what to do as did our primordial ancestors. We love to grovel and sacrifice and beg and profess love of the abuser and belief in nonsense. We love heroes and superheroes and fake heroes and religion is the symptom of that inborn flaw.

    Gott mitt uns was used before during and after WWII and not only in Germany and Austria, but by “uns” it means the ruler. Until the advent of the US every ruler in Europe and probably elsewhere was ordained by God in one form or another. We committed blasphemy by asserting otherwise and we’re trying to atone even today. It’s not just abortion (which the bible doesn’t mention) it’s the separation of Church and State behind this assault.

  3. jess Reply

    February 3, 2019 at 12:36 pm

    I will just let this magnificent bastard speak for me. God excuse is the last refuge of someone who has run out of argument and answers. I am paraphrasing because I am way too lazy right now to go look up what George Carlin actually said. Hey, I just finished packing for my trip and I am now doing my rules list for my cousin that will be staying here watching my animals for me.

  4. Bill Formby Reply

    February 3, 2019 at 2:31 pm

    It just occurred to me that if you combine Trump and Sarah you get Jimmy Swaggart. Damn what a combination.

    • jess Reply

      February 3, 2019 at 4:26 pm

      Is he the one that snorted coke off a guys ass cheeks, no judgement from me, and then cried about getting caught doing that? Or is that another preacher man I am thinking of?

      • Michael John Scott Reply

        February 4, 2019 at 8:23 am

        No Jimmy was caught with a hooker, twice as I recall. Gasp! And here Jesus had that thing going with Mary Magdalene and all.

  5. Pingback: Northam, Trump Ordained, SOTU, Both Siders, Pecker Pecked – FairAndUNbalanced.com

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