Long Tall Bobby Kraft Had a Good Time—Oh Baby

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by Joe Hagstrom

I’m gonna tell Aunt Mary, bout Uncle Bob. He said he got a massage but he got a lot of fun oh baby! Yeah baby!

I have great empathy for my obscenely rich, white Republican friend, Bob Kraft. You should too. What’s an old rich white guy supposed to do after his team wins another play off game or Super Bowl. I figure the old goat is tired of going to Disney World every time his New England Patriots win another Super Bowl. So he went to a strip mall massage parlor to get a rub down. And if it was his naughty bit that got rubbed down then good for him.

Besides, there’s much pressure on rich guys like Bob. If the ham and eggers think it’s tough stretching a paycheck week to week, try being a billionaire a few times over. There’s only so many professional sports teams for sale to keep a rich guy occupied. And the stress of being a job creator has to weigh heavily on the minds of rich guys.

Many people think it’s vanity or just plain old lechery that made old Bob visit the weenie massage parlor. But with great wealth comes great responsibility. A rich man pays someone else to do what most self abusers do for themselves. it’s not lechery. It’s job creation. In this case, hand job creation. It’s socially responsible. Mr. Kraft deserves a Medal of Freedom. I hope you’re reading this President Trump. As a fellow billionaire I assume you know about this stuff.

It does strike me as odd that a rich white guy being chauffeured up to a strip mall massage parlor would raise any red flags but apparently the police in Florida had nothing better to do than arrest a man whose trying to create a job. I imagine Bob even has people to hold his dick while he urinates. Maybe two is he is as well endowed as Trump says Trump is. He may even have a shaker. And that may have been all this brouhaha was anyway. An overzealous dick shaker and some naughty centerfolds on the restroom wall and boys will be boys. Even boys close to 80 years old. Or girls. We don’t discriminate at MMA.

From what I’ve been told dick shakers make more money here in America anyway and seeing as how the massage parlor was supposedly a place where Chinese girls were given work visas Bob was only helping them. He understands there are some jobs Americans don’t want to do. Americans that aren’t threatened with deportation anyway.

About Post Author

Joe Hagstrom

Reformed Liberal now dedicated to saving world from Obamacare and Godless Atheists. Using MadMike's America to audition for high paying job with Fox News.
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Bill Formby
5 years ago

I really think if I was worth 6 billion dollars I would have my erotic massage person on staff and traveling with me.

jess
5 years ago

We have a couple of rub and tug “massage parlors” not far from where I live, I see cars all the time outside no matter what time I drive past. I am happy they are shutting these things down because they do exploit the workers.

Glenn Geist
5 years ago

And by the way, rich guys in Rollers and Aston Martins aren’t exactly rare in this part of Florida, nor are the 100 foot yachts. The who’s who list for this county (if you could find one) would surprise you.

Glenn Geist
5 years ago

Actually, from the outside these places look quite respectable. They’re in shopping centers next to normal businesses. a brand new one was scheduled to open the day when it all hit the fan. It’s maybe a mile and a half from my
house and looks quite upscale. Like all of them in my country (5 I think) it only says Day Spa over the door and I just assumed it was a place you got your nails done and they put cucumbers over people’s eyes.

Not exactly, it seems. They’re all up and down the Atlantic coast from Palm Beach county up to Sebastian. The focus is on the poor (and rich) saps who frequented them, but of course this is about sexual slavery and kidnapping and money laundering.

I’m incredibly impressed with the thoroughness and efficiency of the police work here, by the way. Iron clad evidence gathering and a simultaneous raid on so many places along with respectful treatment of the women held in bondage who had been lured by the promise of visas and legitimate jobs.

Holte Ender
5 years ago

Can’t understand why Kraft would go to a sleazy place stacked with illegals. He’s not married, he’s a multi billionaire. He could have bought a lot of discretion. He must like the skanky side of sex, like his buddy Trump.

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