- CRITTER TALK
- NEWS I FIND INTERESTING
On second thought, scratch that. Luke and Leia are related. The last thing I wanna do is start picturing my sister’s cleavage in my face. That would be fine if I lived in the Appalachians, not in California. I try to move, but I can’t- It’s like I’m being squished between my parents in church on Sunday morning, if they were hard, sharp, and prickly. Then again, maybe I am stuck in church.
But the last time I checked, church didn’t reek of motor oil, transmission fluid, and gas fumes. What the Hell happened to me? The last thing I remember was waiting in the center of the street to turn left, and then nothing. Well, that’s not totally true, I kind of remember seeing something smacking into me, but it’s so damned hard to focus. My head is throbbing with pain and even though my eyes are open now, everything is a blur.
A shadow rolled across my line of sight, and I heard a voice say, “Hey, buddy, how you doing? You okay?”
Considering I had no idea what was going on or what happened, I mumbled, “Everything is just peachy. Can I get a mountain dew, some guacamole, and chips?”
There was a long pause, then, “Do you know where you are?”
“The drive-thru speaker at Taco Bell?”
In a sympathetic tone, the voice said, “No, you’ve been in an accident.”
“No wonder my shorts feel mushy,” I replied.
The voice stifled a chuckle. Now that my head was clearing a little, I could discern it as being feminine. She said, “I’m sorry. Have you defecated?”
“No, but judging from the way I feel, I would not be surprised in the slightest.” I tried to move or sit up, but I couldn’t. I was wedged in tighter than a thong up a stripper’s butt-cheeks. At least it’s nice to know my warped sense of humor is still intact.
The blurry woman gently patted my shoulder and told me, “Just relax. You’ve been in a car accident. The police were chasing a stolen work truck that t-boned your SUV. I’m an EMT, and the fire department is here. They’re going to have to cut you out of the car. Try to sit back and relax.”
I was trying hard not to freak out. Other than my head and blurred vision, I felt okay. But I’ve seen enough GREYS ANATOMY to know that I might have internal injuries, so I did the same thing I always did in hard times- I joked my way through it. “Well, this sucks! I just got this thing detailed!”
This time, the female EMT laughed. “You’re funny.”
I said, “I’ll be even funnier once they put me in a body cast.”
“Are you in any other pain?” She asked.
“As the saying goes, it only hurts when I laugh.”
It took a solid hour for emergency services to cut me loose, strap the neck brace on me, and load me onto a gurney. I felt fine. My vision had returned, and I just had what felt like the mother of all migraines. But I knew the drill- they had to take me to the hospital anyway.
As they loaded me in the ambulance, I turned to the female EMT who comforted me and said, “Listen, I know this is probably the most awkward and inappropriate time to ask, but after they kick me out of the hospital, would you like to have dinner with me?”
The EMT replied, “I really shouldn’t be doing this, but sure, why not?”
Even though it hurt my face to do it, I gave her a wide grin. “Awesome! I’m Peter, what’s your name?”
She put her hand over mine and gently grasped it. “Roxanne.”
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how I met my wife.