Brexit: Theresa May Like A Single Cell Amoeba That Has Misplaced its Single Cell

by Neil Bamforth

So, where precisely are we? Or more accurately, where precisely is Britain? Well, clearly we are where we’ve always been. A bit north west of France and east of Ireland. (I bet that’s news to many American kids studying geography. Sorry, I couldn’t resist). What I meant to ask, prior to telling you, is where are we, Britain, regarding Brexit?

Well. More or less, give or take, in a manner of speaking, up to a point, we are sort of where we were a while back. Quite where that is tends to be a mystery to everybody.

In 2016, which feels like about three centuries ago now, at least regarding Brexit, the vote to leave the European Union came about.

Since then, those on the remain side have insisted somebody cheated, (quite probably), those on the leave side have insisted they won democratically speaking, (quite probably), those on the remain side want to have another referendum to see if they can win this time, (unlikely – that’s another referendum not them winning. They might or they might not), and those on the leave side are starting to feel like cats.

You know what I mean? No? You don’t? I will explain.

A cat sits at the door clearly wanting to leave. You open the door and the cat sits there. You close the door and the cat looks upset because it wants to leave, so you open the door and the cat sits there.

Trust me. I have eight cats. The hinges on my door must be made of an indestructible metal.

In fairness, the leavers aren’t actually behaving like cats, simply because nobody has yet opened the damn door. If they were cats, they would have scratched the eyes out of remainers by now.

The Prime Minister responsible for starting this, David Cameron, buggered off as soon as leave won. He was replaced by the distinctly odd Theresa May. She was known to be a remainer but kept insisting that ‘Brexit means Brexit’ without actually explaining what Brexit means.

“What does Brexit mean Prime Minister?”
“It means Brexit”
“Yes, but what does it actually mean?”
“It means Brexit”

It was like listening to an interview with a single cell amoeba that had misplaced its single cell.

It didn’t help that Theresa May, aka Theresa Mayhem, was actually a remainer. It must have been hard for her to accept that we were leaving the EU.

In fact it clearly was. It was so hard she insisted we were leaving on March 29th, 2019 over one hundred times, only for us not to leave on March 29th, 2019. Not even once.

Somehow we ended up with the seemingly random date of October 31st, 2019. Rumors that Theresa May wanted to announce October 32nd, 2019, may, or may not, have any foundation.

Then she went. Where she went nobody knows. Well, they do because she’s still here. She didn’t vanish like Doctor Who or something. She just stopped being Prime Minister. Possibly because she was absolutely useless.

In fact she was so useless, there is every likelihood that she will be made a ‘lady’ – or what ever it is – and elevated to The House of Lords. That is where most useless politicians end up so, that is probably where she will end up.

The Conservative government then needed another Prime Minister.

Prime Ministers are normally decided by General Elections. the people vote for whichever party they like, and the party with the most votes wins. Their leader then becomes Prime Minister.

In this case, the Conservatives have already done all that stuff and, er, not won.

Let me explain. If you don’t win a General Election in Britain, your leader can still be Prime Minister. Basically, you have won, in the sense that you have got the most votes, but you haven’t got enough votes to form a government. In this case, the Conservatives got some Irish mob to team up with them. That way they got a majority. See? Simples.

So, regarding Brexit. Mayhem has gone so the Tories need a new leader to lead them, and be Prime Minister.

Said new leader and Prime Minister will, possibly, get us through the Brexit finishing post. Assuming they do, we will have left the EU.

If that actually happens, it is quite possible that my favorite expression of surprise will become a national saying and the entire nation, in unison, will say “Well, fuck me sideways.”

On the other hand, I suppose, they might not. Probably because they will not know my favorite saying of surprise. Also, it doesn’t make much sense when you think about it. Well, not unless you’ve an orifice in your hip or something.

You are now as up to date regarding Brexit as anyone is. You are probably thinking that it is all as clear as mud – which is fine. That’s what everybody thinks.

To be honest, it would be more fun watching paint dry or, perhaps, the grass growing. At least you would know with certainty that the paint will dry eventually and, barring a misplaced nuclear missile, the grass will grow.

With Brexit, your guess is as good as mine.

Probably better actually. I’ve drunk a lot of beer.

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Posted by on June 30, 2019. Filed under COMMENTARY/OPINION. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can leave a response or trackback to this entry
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10 Responses to Brexit: Theresa May Like A Single Cell Amoeba That Has Misplaced its Single Cell

  1. Timmy Mahoney Reply

    June 30, 2019 at 9:32 am

    I love this, especially the title. Couldn’t stop laughing at that and the fact that Brexit just aint gonna happen.

  2. Neil Bamforth Reply

    June 30, 2019 at 9:41 am

    Why thank you Tommy. I now have a warm feeling of being appreciated… Either that or I’ve wet myself…. ðŸĪŠ

  3. Neil Bamforth Reply

    June 30, 2019 at 9:42 am

    Tommy??? Timmy you stupid autocorrect!!! 🙄

  4. Glenn Geist Reply

    June 30, 2019 at 10:18 am

    Brexit still sounds like a shampoo to me.

    • Michael John Scott Reply

      June 30, 2019 at 1:54 pm

      LOL LOL! It does and will forever think of that when I hear Brexit.

  5. Neil Bamforth Reply

    June 30, 2019 at 10:25 am


  6. jess Reply

    June 30, 2019 at 10:48 am

    This is not how it works, not how it’s supposed to work at all. How many people is it going to take to try and get it through. So far we have had Cameron, May, possibly Johnson or whatever idiot conservatives replaces the last idiot conservative. I’m seeing a pattern here. Like these here Yoonited stetes, conservatives over there do not know how to govern at all, their policies are for shit they just know how to get elected, then go about getting to fuck things up.

  7. Neil Bamforth Reply

    June 30, 2019 at 11:15 am

    True!… But, in fairness, the other lot are just as bad… Blairs war when they tried to be Tory mark II…..

    Before Blair it was even more chaotic under Labour. Strikes, uncollected rubbish for weeks.

    They’re both absolutely equal in one thing.


  8. Neil Bamforth Reply

    June 30, 2019 at 5:02 pm

    Michael : Socialism doesn’t work, sadly. Rather like communism, it’s a good idea but humanity aren’t like that.
    Every time we’ve had a socialist Labour government it’s cost us, the taxpayer, megabucks.
    I hate the Torys, but a bit less than Labour.
    Actually… I just hate em all

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