The Ransom Note—a Trump Parody, Part One
Read Time:12 Minute, 24 Second
DAY ONE
MISTER PRESIDENT,
WE HAVE YOUR WIFE AND DAUGHTER. IN EXCHANGE FOR THEIR SAFE RETURN, WE HAVE THREE DEMANDS:
- AN IMMEDIATE PASSAGE OF THE EQUAL RIGHTS AMENDMENT.
- AN EXECUTIVE ORDER THAT GUARANTEES PROTECTIONS FOR ABORTION RIGHTS.
- YOUR IMMEDIATE RESIGNATION AFTER CONDITIONS ONE AND TWO HAVE BEEN MET.
IF YOU ACCEDE TO OUR DEMANDS, WE WILL RELEASE YOUR WIFE AND DAUGHTER UNHARMED. IF YOU DO NOT, YOU WILL NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN.
THE M.I.LF.
“Don’t want much, do they?” Chief of staff, Mick Mulvaney said.
Sitting behind the resolute desk, President Donald J. Trump, face frozen in rage, shouted, “Is this some kind of sick joke?! When did this note come in and why wasn’t I notified immediately?!”
In the oval office stood Mulvaney, Press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders, and Trump’s three main advisors, Jared Kushner, Stephen Miller, and Kellyanne Conway. They traded dumbfounded looks between themselves. Nobody wanted to be the first one to say anything, fearing Trump’s wrath.
Gathering his courage, Mulvaney said, “The note came in about three hours ago, sir.”
“Three hours?!” Trump ranted.
Kellyanne jumped in, hoping to take some of the heat off Mulvaney. “Sir, once we received the note, we had to verify that the threat was real. It takes time.”
Trump’s fury made the tension in the room thick enough to choke a black hole. Mulvaney jumped back in. “Sir, we are doing everything that can possibly be done.”
“How the fuck can something like this happen? Where was the secret service?!”
The entire room looked in Stephen Miller’s direction. With no permanent heads for the Secret Service or the Department of Homeland Security, all matters pertaining to internal security had fallen to him. This was the last place he wanted to be. He loosened his tie, as it felt like a noose around his throat. He was sweating like a pig underneath his suit, but he didn’t dare take off his coat. He was sure the sweat from his armpits had soaked his shirt all the way down to his wrist-cuffs.
“Umm…” he began, “the Secret Service were taken off guard by women who were posing as prostitutes, sir. The agents standing on watch were distracted and taken out.”
“Distracted how?!” Trump yelled. Miller could feel even more of his hair fall out.
Miller continued, “Ah, the women distracted them with fellatio, sir.” Kellyanne shot Miller a glance of pity. The poor kid appeared on the verge of pissing in his pants. With the redness of Trump’s anger mixed in with the orange of his skin tone, he looked like the inside of a pink grapefruit. Under normal circumstances, Miller was self-confident and authoritative, but at the moment, he reminded her of a little kid crying at the thought of getting a spanking. She felt horrible for him.
Trump screamed, “What the Hell is fella-whatever?!”
Everybody in the room traded confused looks. They were all thinking the same thing- “Is he serious?”
“It’s a blowjob, sir,” Sarah Huckabee Sanders said in her country accent. Jared Kushner tried to suppress a slight snort of laughter. It would have been inappropriate in the middle of this crisis, but he thought it sounded funny. Kellyanne Conway just wondered how Sanders knew what fellatio was when their boss didn’t.
“Oh.” Trump mumbled in embarrassment. He snapped, “Well, what are we doing to get them back, and who are these people that took them, the M.I.L.F.?”
Miller jumped back in. “We currently have the Secret Service and the F.B.I on the case in Los Angeles, Mister President. Right now, they’re collecting evidence and reviewing the security cam footage from the Beverly Hills hotel.”
“I knew letting them go to that charity fashion show at that dump was a mistake!” Trump ranted, “This never would have happened at my estate in Palos Verdes!”
Mulvaney rolled his eyes and thought, “Does this idiot not remember how many security breaches we’ve had at Mar-A-Lago? All you need to get through security in that sinkhole is fifty-grand or a huge pair of tits!” As soon as the thought passed, he was grateful that his boss wasn’t a mind-reader.
“Who the fuck is this M.I.L.F. anyway?” Trump repeated, crumpling the copy of the ransom note and angrily tossing it to the floor. Kellyanne dived after it like a dog playing fetch. “Are they a bunch of mothers who like to fuck or what?!”
“Oh, that one he knows!” Jared thought. He wasn’t totally worried about his wife. He knew Ivanka could pretty much talk her way out of anything. He wouldn’t be surprised if she had her captors wrapped around her little finger already. If not, his father-in-law would bring the wrath of God down on them. Well, maybe not the God, but a God.
Stephen Miller cleared his throat before speaking. “Sir, the acronym stands for the Militant International League of Feminists.” He didn’t bother explaining what an acronym was.
“Well, whatever!” Trump pouted, crossing his arms. “I want my little girl back!”
A few moments of silence passed before Jared added, “And the First Lady, too, of course.”
Trump caught himself and said, “Oh, right. Melania, too!”
The room let out a collective sigh of exasperation. Keeping Trump focused on the task at hand was like trying to keep a tornado confined to an empty area devoid of people and property.
Trump continued, “Time is of the essence! I want our best man on this! Get Ethan Hunt!”
Everyone traded confused expressions, not knowing who the Hell the President was talking about. Finally, it clicked in Conway’s head. She whispered in a tender voice so as not to trigger Trump’s ire, “Mr. President, Ethan Hunt isn’t real, sir. That’s the character Tom Cruise plays in the Mission: Impossible movies.”
“Then get Tom Cruise’s ass in here!” Trump snapped.
“He’s just an actor, sir,” Mulvaney replied.
Trump thundered, “Fine! Then get me anyone who can get them back ASAP! Maybe that Jack Bauer guy, if you can find him! Now get out!!”
Everyone lit out of the Oval Office like the White House was on fire. Nobody stayed long enough to point out that the other person Trump asked for was also a fictional character. “Not that this guy lives in reality,” Kellyanne Conway thought as she walked away.
DAY TWO
Sarah Huckabee Sanders really didn’t want to go out into the press room to face the press corps, especially that pain in the ass, CNN’s Jim Acosta. He was going to have a field day with this. Reporters were foaming at the mouth for a statement, and they weren’t going to settle for a press release, which would have been her first choice. She thanked the Lord that she was able to persuade the President from giving a presser in the White House rose garden. With his luck, he would turn the wave of sympathy for his family’s abduction towards the kidnappers. Sanders wished she could’ve found a new job by now, but her reputation was in the toilet. She couldn’t even get a job as a spokesperson for Dairy Queen, for God’s sake.
Before stepping out onto the dais, she smoothed out her blue dress and straightened out her string of pearls. Taking a deep breath, she dove into the pool filled with sharks. The room was filled with flashing cameras and loud voices screaming her name. Sanders laid down the folder holding the official statement.
Sanders read:
“At approximately 10:34 p.m. Eastern standard time last night, the White House received a ransom note from a group calling themselves the M.I.L.F., claiming that they had taken the first lady, Melania Trump, and the first daughter, Ivanka Trump, hostage while they were in Los Angeles, California for a charity event. The kidnapping was confirmed by the Los Angeles Police Department and the FBI. The President has been fully briefed on the situation, including the terrorist’s demands. At this time, we have no further comment as this is an ongoing investigation. As more information becomes available, we will brief you accordingly. We ask that you understand and respect the President’s privacy. He is preoccupied with worry for his family. Thank you.”
Opening the floor for questions, Sanders decided to take an easy one from Fox news. “How is the president feeling at the moment?”
Sanders replied, “The President is patiently and calmly waiting to hear from the agencies working on the case. He is aware of everything and in the meantime, he is busying himself working for the American people.”
Maggie Haberman shouted, “Just what are the terrorist’s demands, exactly?”
“I’m not currently at liberty to divulge those details at this time,” Sanders said, “but as you are well aware, the United States Government does not negotiate with terrorists.”
Sanders had barely gotten out the last syllable before Jim Acosta asked, “Does this mean the President is going to cancel his rally in Florida and campaign fundraiser at Mar-A-Lago this weekend? Isn’t this going to put a crimp in his golfing schedule?” The room burst out in laughter.
Sanders angrily leaned into her microphone and sneered. “Mr. Acosta, that is a ridiculous question and doesn’t merit a response!” With that, she walked off the stage while members of the press corps continued to call her name.
“I thought it was funny,” Jim Acosta said to nobody in particular.
DAY SEVEN
Ever since the news broke about the kidnapping, things hadn’t gotten any better for the President. Public sympathy for his family hadn’t done much to soften his image, and his work ethic, which was scattershot even on his best days, were almost non-existent now. In fact, Trump was hated so much that most people figured that wherever Melania and Ivanka had been taken, they were better off. As Bill Maher joked on his show, “I don’t know about you, but I’d much rather be blindfolded with a gun to my head than be married to Donald Trump!” It didn’t help matters that Trump’s advisors refused to divulge the M.I.LF’s demands- people were already screaming for the President to resign. If they knew that was one of their demands, he’d look like an uncaring fool bent on retaining his power over saving his beloved family.
Beyond that, the M.I.L.F. didn’t seem to be all that interested in escalating their demands. They seemed to be content in keeping Trump’s family in seclusion. But the longer Ivanka and Melania were missing, the more Trump lost what remained of his mind, or so it seemed.
On his Twitter feed, he wrote things like:
“@The MILF- Give me back my girls! And by the way, you FORGOT Tiffany! LOSERS! #StillWinning.”
“I never realized how much my family meant to me until they were gone from my life. I miss them so much, not even a bucket of #KFC can cheer me up!”
And,
“MY APPROVAL RATING IS UP! 92% PERCENT! LET’S HEAR IT FOR THE SYMPATHY VOTE! SUCK IT, DEMOCRATS!”
The 92% percent was only among Republicans. The worst part was that overall, he had fallen down to 27% nationally. Since the kidnapping occurred, Trump ignored virtually everything. Things were falling apart, and the media seemed to be loving every minute of it.
On the View, though the women expressed every sympathy towards Melania and Ivanka, they weren’t as charitable to the President. They often criticized him for not doing enough. Joy Behar said during one show, “For God’s sake, even my husband would do more to get me back from a bunch of kidnappers, and I’ve given Steve more reasons to want me gone than anyone! The only reason he hasn’t done it already is because he doesn’t want to be on an episode of 20/20!”
Abby Huntsman, the show’s resident Trump apologist, said, “I don’t think you’re being fair, Joy! We don’t know what the President is going through. For all you know, he could be weeping and feeling all alone right at this moment!”
“Please,” Joy shot back, “he’s probably got Stormy Daniels’ phone number on speed dial, all ready to go!”
To which Meghan McCain added, “All I know is, if somebody kidnapped my mother, my father would have crawled up out of his grave to save her!”
Whoopi Goldberg said, “Then let’s hope it never happens, ‘cause I don’t think I wanna see that.”
DAY SEVENTEEN
Donald Trump sat in the Oval Office, his shoulders dangling at their sides, his head resting flat on top of the resolute desk. Mick Mulvaney stood at the doorway, doing his best to stay silent to keep the President from noticing him. The President had someone waiting to see him, but Mulvaney wanted to wait until the president looked up and saw him standing there. It seemed safer that way.
Kellyanne Conway sidled up to Mulvaney’s right and asked, “How’s he doing today?”
Mulvaney frowned. “How does it look like he’s doing?”
Trump started banging his head against the resolute desk. His combover started to fall forward. “Never mind,” Kellyanne said, “I’ll just call his stylist for a touch-up.” She walked away like a cat, not making any noise whatsoever.
The headache that had been building all morning just became full-blown. I guess I better get this over with before that idiot gives himself brain-damage, Mulvaney thought, then amended, I mean, more brain damage. God, I hate this friggin’ job!”
Clearing his throat loudly before walking in to give his boss a second to pull himself together, Mulvaney strode into the room, looking away from President Trump. Trump sat up bolt upright, and ramrod straight, as if he’d always been positioned that way. The last thing Trump wanted to do was show any weakness in front of his subordinates. As Father used to say, Trump recalled, crying is for pussies!
“What is it?” Trump asked, forcibly deepening his voice.
Mulvaney announced, “You have a visitor, Mr. President. Your daughter is here.”
“What?!” Trump exclaimed. “They found Ivanka?!”
Mulvaney frowned awkwardly and said, “Ah…. no, sir. It’s your other daughter, Tiffany.”
“Oh, her.” Trump said, crestfallen.
Tiffany Trump strode in to the oval office, rolling her eyes. ”Gee… thanks, Dad!”
I’m not earning anywhere NEAR enough for this shit, Mick Mulvaney mused.
(Check in tomorrow for part two! Same bat-time, same bat-channel!)
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My relatives always say that I am killing my time here at web, however I know I am getting
familiarity every day by reading such good articles or reviews.
Bill, I won’t confirm or deny that rumor. Suffice it to say that there is a bit more to it than that. Stay tuned and all will be revealed!
@Mark- From what I’ve read in FIRE & FURY and FEAR, things at the White House make the politics of Game of Thrones look tame in comparison. All I did was turn it up to eleven, as if I needed to.
Actually, Glenn, this was harder than you think. This came from out of my book of writing propmts and was only supposed to be three pages., tops. But I couldn’t do it justice in three. It ended up being twelve.
One thing I’ve learned about writing politics all these years, it’s that when they refer to it as a ‘big machine,’ they aren’t kidding. Add all the talking heads to it, and man, you couldn’t do this without a high page count!
No offense, Mike, but being compared to other writers has always bothered me in that I never want someone accusing me of ripping off someone else’s style. Besides, I’ve never read anything by Cussler. I appreciate the compliment, though.
Trump will be really surprised when he learns that Melania was in on the whale scheme.
That’s probably the way things happen in the WH. Total chaos, with a fool at the helm.
It’s not easy to parody an administration that already is a parody of an administration!
Thought I was reading something from Clive Cussler. Can’t wait for Part Two! Great job Greg.