The Ransom Note- A Trump Parody, Part Two

DAY TWENTY-EIGHT

On his weekly show, Real Time with Bill Maher, Bill Maher said in his opening monologue, “So, Melania and Ivanka have been missing for nearly a month now with no end in sight, and Donald Trump has yet to offer any explanation about their absence. Is it possible that they ran off, eloped, and are honeymooning on the Isle of Lesbos?”

Stephen Colbert wasn’t much more sympathetic. That night on his show, he said, “I hear Trump is losing his mind on a daily basis. I hear it’s gotten so bad that he had a meeting with executives from HBO and Cinemax, demanding that they bring porn back, citing that the porn on Showtime sucked!”

DAY FORTY

Donald Trump couldn’t sleep. He was wired on Diet Coke. He’d had enough caffeine running thru his system to light up a dozen narcoleptics. The FBI, the CIA, DHS, NSA, and every other alphabet agency you care to name had absolutely less than nothing to report. It was as if Melania and Ivanka had ceased to exist, as if that Thanos guy snapped his fingers and made them vanish in a puff of ash.

Trump just couldn’t understand it, here he was- the most powerful man on the planet, almost a God, and yet he was virtually helpless. As much as he hated to admit it, if worse came to worse, Melania could be replaced. Hell, it would probably get the American public on his side, for once. He could milk Melania’s disappearance for all it was worth and win a second term easily. Even better, he could snag a younger, hotter wife in the process, give those sex-starved Evangelical perverts something they can really jerk-off to. Hmm… I wonder if that Tomi Laren chick is single? Trump wondered.

Though he could live without his latest trophy wife, he knew he couldn’t live without his beloved Ivanka. She was his whole life, ever since she was little, the only light in it. Sure, he had other kids, but Eric and Don Jr. were morons, kind of doubted Tiffany was really his, and Barron pretty much avoided him like a hooker looking to avoid coming down with a scorching case of the clap. But not his Ivanka. She was perfect- his dream woman, if only he wasn’t genetically related to her. Not that that’s ever stopped a few of my supporters, the fucking idiots.

Trump sat on the edge of his bed, clad in his favorite pair of golden silk pajamas, and reached out for the framed photo of Ivanka that he kept by the bed- the one of her sitting on his lap, taken at Mar-A-Lago when she was a teen. It was in that moment he finally broke down and sobbed. He hugged the picture and finally realized what he had to do. It would mean the end of his presidency, but it didn’t matter. All that mattered was getting his little girl back.

In case you missed it: The Ransom Note—Å Trump Parody, Part One

DAY FORTY-TWO

Rachel Maddow was perplexed in the moments just before her broadcast began. The announcement was made a few hours earlier, and she still couldn’t believe it. All of Trump’s presidential term felt like a never-ending episode of the Twilight Zone, but now it was officially a case for the X-Files. For a second, she thought she might have woken into a parallel universe where she was straight.

The associate producer gave the signal that they were live. Maddow sat at her desk, speechless. In her ear, her producer snapped into her earpiece, “Ray, we’re live!” and in less than a second, she snapped back into what passed for reality.

“Sorry, folks! I guess I’m just stunned by our lead story tonight here on the Rachel Maddow show. If you haven’t already heard, in an absolutely unprecedented and admittedly uncharacteristic move for President Trump, he has gone completely against his base of supporters and signed an executive order guaranteeing protections for legal abortion! There was no big media fanfare and no formal briefing by Sarah Huckabee Sanders. According to insiders, President Trump just signed the order and that was it. He made a short statement on his way to Marine One where he said:

‘I know this won’t be popular with my supporters, but I’ve always felt that the abortion debate should have been over and done with years ago. I don’t agree with it personally, but the supreme court settled it with Roe Vs. Wade in the 70’s. Now let’s all move on! If you don’t like abortion, don’t get one!’

Rachel continued, “Did anyone check the Lincoln bedroom for a seed pod?”

DAY FIFTY-TWO

On the Anderson Cooper show:

“Our top story tonight- the equal rights amendment has finally passed! In what can only be described as a historical move, the Governor and state government of Florida have ratified the ERA after a 40-year stall. No one knows what prompted this reversal, but there is celebrating in the streets of Miami and the rest of the country as I speak. Some insiders have speculated that President Trump had a hand in getting the ERA passed, and if there is truth in the rumors, then this may make him a shoo-in for a second term. Between this and his executive order last month, his poll numbers are up beyond 50% for the first time since he was elected, and his usual critics have been silenced for now. We’ll be back and after that, my guests and I will further explore the implications of this and what it means for the president.”

DAY SIXTY

Donald Trump was miserable. Even though his approval numbers were through the roof, his base hated him, and his Republican supporters in Congress had all but abandoned him. Mike Pence was in a snit and refused to take his calls, while Lindsey Graham kept appearing on Fox news to say that the president had committed ‘conservative political suicide’. Graham also didn’t rule out a run for the 2020 election, saying that the country needed to return to ‘traditional American values”.

But to the rest of the country, it was almost as though Trump had grown a brain. Despite his previous statements in regard to women, he was being hailed as a hero to women’s groups and feminists alike, and he hated every second of it. The media was saying Trump had ‘woke’, which was as far from the truth as you could get. If anything, his life was closer to a nightmare.

Slumped against his desk chair in the oval office, Trump wished he could be back home in New York, at Trump Tower. The world made sense to him there, where his name hung in gold letters. No one mentioned Melania and Ivanka’s disappearance whatsoever anymore. Most people figured that their so-called ‘kidnapping’ was just another lie Trump put out into the wind. Except the only problem was, he was finally telling the truth.

Kellyanne Conway shuffled her cadaverous frame into the oval office. “Mr. Trump! I have the newest poll numbers for you! You’re at 70%! You’re higher than Joe Biden!”

All of which would be great if it had been for things he had actually wanted to accomplish. He shot Conway the dirtiest of looks. “Oh, right. Sorry, I just thought the news would cheer you up.”

Trump went a shade darker than red, ground his teeth, and snapped, “Get your bony ass out of here!!!”

DAY SEVENTY

Ten days later, Trump held what was to be his last Rose Garden presser.

“To the American people:

It is with a heavy heart that I hereby resign from the Presidency of the United States. I had hoped to keep working for your benefit in a second term, but personal matters and the needs of my family have become a bigger priority that needs my attention. I have done a lot of great things for this terrific nation, and I know a lot of you are a lot better for my efforts. I thank you for your support, and in some cases, your love, as it has meant a great deal to me. Thank you!” He stepped down from the podium without taking any questions.

At which point, April Ryan shouted, “Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out, fool!”

DAY SEVENTY-FIVE

The news media was going insane trying to figure out what would make Trump decide to resign when he was finally on top. Was it the calls for impeachment? Was it the mountain of criminal charges piling up? Was it because Pence offered him a blanket pardon if he resigned? Oddly enough, only Fox news had deduced the truth. It was because of his wife and daughter. Mostly his daughter.

As his personal staff packed up to leave, a messengered DVD arrived. Trump and his advisors assembled in the media room to view it, hoping that it was a message from the M.I.L.F. It wasn’t. It was from Melania, who appeared well-groomed, as though nothing had happened to her.

She said, in her thick Slavic accent:

“Donald, I am sending you this message to let you know that Ivanka and I are fine. We faked our kidnapping in order to get away from you and Jared and to get you out of the White House. For my part, I couldn’t stand living under so much hate and scrutiny anymore. Ivanka wanted out because she had fallen in love with someone else and wanted to be with him. Beyond that, I am divorcing you. I have had enough of the humiliations you have heaped upon me on a near-constant basis. There never was any silly group called the M.I.L.F.- unless it stands for Melania and Ivanka’s Liberation Formula! I must remember to send Stormy Daniels and her friends a thank you gift for their assistance in our escape!” Melania laughed, “Goodbye and good riddance!”

“That bitch!” Trump and Jared snapped, simultaneously.

Somewhere in Canada, a pair of strong, sinewy arms wrapped themselves around Ivanka Trump and said, “I love you.”

Ivanka replied, “I love you too, Justin.”

THE END

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