Reflecting on the 2012 Republican Presidential Nominees

ED: This post was published on May 2, 2012, and is authored by Gregory B. Gonzalez.  I’m republishing it today because, if you change the names, nothing has “changed.”  Make sure to comment and let us know what you think.

I’ll be the first one to admit it- I really hate Presidential elections. As I’ve gotten older, they’ve gotten progressively worse. It would be one thing if we could just select from a group of qualified candidates and watch them debate the issues in a civilized manner, but is that what happens?

Not even close. It’s more like a bunch of rabid Rottweilers being penned up and forced to tear each other apart until there’s only one of them left standing.

I don’t like the fear- mongering, the scare tactics, or the mudslinging. It’s just pointless. Even worse, the Republicans have elevated it to an entirely new level. There’s so much bullshit and outright lying that the average person doesn’t know what to believe. The Republicans are masters of telling the people what they want to hear, playing to their fears, pointing the finger everywhere except where it belongs, and trying to make themselves ‘relatable’ to the ‘common man’.

Lucky me, I don’t have that problem. I’m a liberal, which means I have the intelligence to read between the lines, see beyond the bullshit, and decide the issues for myself. Unfortunately, half of the country is conservative, and therefore- not as bright.

Back in 2004, I thought this country had hit the height of stupidity by re-electing George W. Bush for a second term as President. You can imagine my surprise when Sarah Palin scored a nomination for the Vice-Presidency as Senator John McCain’s running mate in the 2008 election. And we’ve only been going downhill ever since.

With the rise of the Tea Party and the decline of common sense, decency, and intelligence, we now have to deal with a bunch of idiots in the government who are on a kamikaze mission to bring our country and its current president down- any way they can. But here’s the thing that gets me:

WHO TAKES THESE PEOPLE SERIOUSLY?!

As far as I can tell, they’re all fucking NUTS. I wouldn’t trust any of them with a book of matches in a fireworks factory, let alone in the oval office. There’s just NO FUCKING WAY!

Hell, I’d sooner vote Snooki for President, or Kim Kardashian’s ass.

For example: Two of the former candidates, Rick Perry and Michele Bachmann, had both claimed that they had been ‘ordained’ by God to run for the Presidency. YEAH, RIGHT! Seriously, didn’t we used to lock people up when they claimed to be ‘speaking’ to God? I’ll tell you what, if those two morons can show me a notarized document signed by God and undersigned by Jesus Christ, then I’ll take their claims seriously.

Okay, maybe not.

And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Here’s a rundown of some of the other former candidates, just in case you missed it…..

Herman Cain: Or as I like to refer to him, the Token. For one thing, I can’t believe he was once a frontrunner. The guy looks like a bulldog getting an enema when he smiles. It’s fucking creepy. Herman has said that the American people should blame themselves for not having a job, and not Wall Street. Really? The last time I checked, it’s not like the country was awash in employment. Most of the Occupy Wall Street folks would LOVE to be at work instead of living in a tent. DUH!

Let’s not forget Herman’s position on abortion. He thinks it should be a woman’s choice. But just so you know, he’s against abortion. Was that NOT clear?

Wait- WHAT? I think Herman’s been sniffing pizza oven gas fumes when nobody’s paying attention. Aside from that, the whole 999 thing kind of creeps me out. Am I the only one who remembers what that number looks like when you flip it over? If you ever wanted a sign that these freaks are the spawn of Hell, look no further.

I heard that Herman had been a naughty boy with the ladies. Can’t he hire a discreet hooker like every other politician? Cheap bastard!

Mitt Romney: In all honesty, I kinda feel bad for this guy. He’s trying extremely hard to be an island of sanity in an ocean of craziness. The liberals don’t like him because, well, he’s a republican, and the republicans don’t like him because they think he’s too liberal. That, and the evangelicals don’t like him because he’s a Mormon. (Believe me, I don’t get it, either. Magic underwear? WTF?)

The stupidest thing I ever heard him say was that he thinks that ‘corporations are people too.’ Umm… No, they’re not. By definition, a corporation is an entity, not a person. Just the fact that they underpay and overwork their employees, don’t provide adequate benefits, and take out ‘dead peasant’ insurance on their own work force pretty much reinforces the fact that there is no humanity in a corporation. Doncha just love simple logic?

By the way, Mitt, shouldn’t your son be living in YOUR basement instead of the other way around?

Rick Perry: I could LITERALLY make jokes about this guy all fucking night. He makes George W. Bush look intelligent. In fact, I kind of have to wonder how bright the population of Texas is, considering that they voted for this clown THREE times. Personally, I’d like to kick the crap out of him on general principle. He’s not a leader- he’s a wanna-be televangelist for fuck’s sake.

When his state was in a drought, his solution was to have a ‘prayer event’ so that everyone who attended could pray to God for some rain. It worked about as well as Bristol Palin’s birth control the night she boned Levi Johnston. I swear, he must be the laziest fucker on the planet, because he seems to think that everything is ‘in God’s hands.’ Whatever!

Oh, and just so you know- the American Revolution occurred in the 1700’s, NOT the 1500’s. I guess it’s pretty clear that Rick is NOT smarter than a 5th grader. At least we know Perry has morals- he can’t be bought for anything less than five grand. The only thing this clown is missing is a tube top, clear heels, and a g-string. The only reason Perry scores some cool points in my book is that he’s an investor in porn.

But you didn’t hear that from me.

Ron Paul: On the surface, Ron Paul doesn’t look like much of a threat. In fact, he kind of reminds you of the dottering old guy who used to treat you to ice cream when you were a little kid. The truth is, he’s anything but. I used to have some respect for him initially because he was one of the few republicans who was against the war, but the more I learned about him, the less I liked him.

For instance- did you know that Ron Paul counts some white supremacy groups among his supporters? There’s also the fact that he wants to abolish government aid for student loans. He thinks that kids today should have to work three jobs in order to pay for school. What a prince! And keep in mind, we’re talking about a guy who is at retirement age, and wants to get rid of social security, too. Then there was that time where he said it was okay for a healthy guy in his twenties to die if he didn’t have any medical insurance. Did Ron suddenly forget the part of the Hippocratic oath that says, “Do no harm” when he became a doctor? I think Alzheimer’s may be kicking in.

All of a sudden, I’m not mad at Sacha Baron Cohen for humiliating Ron Paul in BRUNO anymore. Fucking jerk deserved it.

Newt Gingrich: First and foremost, I get the feeling that Newt’s mother must not have liked him very much if she saddled him with such a horrible name. Second, ‘ol Newty-boy is a prime example when it comes to the hypocrisy of republican ‘family values’. This fat pig squealed the loudest when President Clinton came under fire for getting blown by Monica Lewinsky, all the while he was cheating on his own wife with the bimbo he eventually married after he got caught. Way to lead by example!

Newt is also a proponent of getting rid of Medicaid and Medicare. He feels that it should be left up to charities to care for people without medical insurance- not the government. Kind of funny when you stop to consider that it was Ronald Reagan (a Republican, no less!) who signed the Emergency Medical Treatment and Active Labor Act, which forces hospitals to provide care to the uninsured. Can you imagine if it had been a democrat who had done that? The current house majority would have stroked out about that- even more than they did over Obamacare!

I found a quote from Newt that I think sums it up very well: “The only way you get change is to vote Republican.”

And he has a point, believe it or not. In eight years, George W. Bush changed this country completely- FOR THE WORSE.

Rick Santorum: I have a question- Aren’t the gays supposed to be the ones who are constantly persecuted instead of the other way around?

The way Santorum talks, you’d think that the gay population in this country is harassing him day and night. Not that I would blame them- Rick Santorum is so anti-gay that I’m sure he’d be in favor of burning them at the stake. If I had to guess on his motives, I’m thinking he may have experimented in college and got burned by the experience. I can’t think of any other reasonable explanation.

I will never understand why the Christians in this country are so offended by homosexuality. It isn’t like they’re looking to gay up the place. We have Marcus Bachmann and Ron Christie for that. Besides, I’m beginning to think that Rick was locked in the closet for more than being an unruly kid. You think?

Michele Bachmann: Now admittedly, I was really scared by her early success when all of this bullshit started. Not because I thought she had a chance of beating Obama, but because this bitch is BAT-SHIT FUCKING INSANE. Seriously- look at any picture she’s taken, and then tell me she’s not a prime candidate for an exorcism! She freaked me out so badly I sent an email warning to the Vatican. They responded by saying, “We’re looking into it.”

And don’t get me started on her husband. I mean, who the fuck is he kidding? Besides himself, I mean. The guy makes Truman Capote look butch, for God’s sake.

I saw Bachmann speak at a Tea Party rally, and the crowd looked bored as Hell. It’s no wonder they wanted her gone from the race. She’s said a lot of stupid things in the past, but it got to the point where every other word out of her mouth made her sound even more moronic, if that’s possible.

Jon Huntsman: Who?

Jon Huntsman: WHO?

Jon Huntsman: Seriously… who the fuck is that?

EXACTLY!!!!

At the end of the day, if I were forced to choose from any of these people to be the next President, I don’t think I could do it. They’re all totally unqualified, in my opinion.

What does it really say about our country and ourselves when we pick candidates who are self-serving, full of hate, idiotic, or just plain crazy? We are supposed to be the country that the rest of the world looks up to, to be the leading nation among nations. If you really think about it, we haven’t been doing the job very well at all.

In order to regain our stature in the eyes of the world, we need to start here at home- by rebuilding the American dream. It’s not about money, or owning property, or being greedy. That’s not what defines us. The American dream has always been defined by our freedom, a freedom that doesn’t inhibit the lives we choose to create for ourselves.

It’s time to let go of the fear, the arrogance, the selfishness, and most importantly, the ignorance we have bred over the last decade. We must embrace all of our differences and learn to work together, as one nation- to make the words “united we stand” mean something again.

That’s all I’m saying.

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