Praise Jesus the Price of Paint Won’t Go Up
Read Time:3 Minute, 40 Second
I enjoy sitting outside, and recently, I’ve found that sitting out front, watching people, is fun. For decades I have eschewed the company of people for reasons that shall remain unexplained because life is too short, so I have preferred a more private contemplation which sitting on my back deck, overlooking the trees, affords me.
Given my new state of appreciation, however, I decided to build a small deck in the front. Unfortunately, unlike aged wood, new wood should not be painted until it has had time to mature a bit, in other words about 8 months. Staining, however, is a different matter, so I cast about for someone who knew how to stain decks, apropos of the preparation such as sanding, priming, and etc.
In the back of my mind I knew I should hire a real contractor to do the work, and not a ‘handyman’ however, I wanted it done quickly and cheaply, and neither would happen if I hired someone who actually knew what they were doing.
I found a guy on the NextDoor app who advertised himself as a professional handyman, capable of all jobs both large and small, so I called him and asked him if he could come out and give me an estimate. I expected a wait of at least a week, assuming he was busy doing a really good job for a lot of other people.
I was mistaken, however, as ‘Jeff’ told me he was just in a neighboring town finishing up a ‘job’ and could be here shortly, as it’s only a 15-20 minute drive. I was happy about that and expected him to arrive in about 20 minutes. Curiously, he was standing at my door five minutes later, with not a work van, but an old SUV with a baby seat strapped to the roof.
The warning bells started going off, with the first warning being the guy was available right away and didn’t have a line of customers waiting for his most excellent work to be completed. Secondly, if he was indeed in the next town over, it would have taken at least 15 minutes to drive to my house, so he lied, and that’s never a good sign.
Instead of taking measurements, and writing a material list, Jeff pulled out a crumpled piece of paper from his pocket, which read WIC, and, without casting any aspersions or making any judgments that was alarm bell #3. Clearly, this ‘professional handyman’ didn’t have enough work to feed his family without help from the state and that spoke volumes about him.
The final bell went off when ‘Jeff’ announced that even though the price of wood had gone down the price of paint and stain was going up very soon so I should go ahead and hire him now to save myself some money. It was my understanding that stain and paint were all in short supply anyway, and mentioned this to him he told me he was personal friends with the CEO of Sherwin-Williams and could get anything he wanted with just a phone call. My first thought after he told me this: what the fuck?
If that weren’t enough for me to tell this clown to get the fuck out he went on to say he required a 33% down payment before starting any work. It was at this point I wondered if the words “old and stupid” were tattooed on my forehead, and I told him to wait for my call. As he was walking toward his 1988 Ford Explorer he reminded me not to wait too long, what with paint and stain prices going up and all.
It was at this point I noticed he was wearing a rubber bracelet thing with the words “Praise Jesus” emblazoned on it. That was definitely the straw that broke the proverbial camel’s back and caused me to momentarily wonder what Michelangelo, who was touchy, irritable, and quick to anger would have said if Pope Julius II who was demanding, intrusive, and also quick to anger, in his own right, had told him to hurry with the Sistine Chapel before the price of paint went up…
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[…] repair professional. He decides he’s dealing with a scam artist when he discovers the fellow is a self-proclaimed Christian. […]
Good reminder article. A reminder that there are plenty of scoundrels who only want to separate you from your money.
Can you tell I just got burned again with fake gold….only $40 for $2000 in gold……from a newer Mercedes and wanting to get back to Dubia with family in car….the old something for nothing lesson…..again?
I finally learned my lesson. From now on I’m hiring pros, no more ‘professional handymen’ unless they are highly recommended by dozens, and dozens.
Nice deck.
Thanks, old friend. I just wish it was finished.
Everybody ought to have a front porch of some sort. There’s just something about it. Stain isn’t hard to do yourself though. My last house had cedar siding and I did the whole place over a weekend with a sprayer. Itinerant “tradesmen” swarm Florida after every disaster. They come from everywhere looking for people with that forehead tattoo only they can see.
They are swarming here as well. and I can only assume it’s a post-pandemic phenomenon. They are like the carpetbaggers who swarmed the South after the Civil War.
Everybody is out to screw you and those Jesus Bangers are the worst or the worst. Fun article though.
Glad you liked it man, and you are right when you say ‘everybody is out to screw you.’