Howard Stern’s 10-Step Formula for a Horrible Premature Retirement

Clumpy Stern, AKA Former Fan: 1990-2011, left Howard Stern’s 10-Step Formula for a Horrible Premature Retirement in the comments section of yesterday’s article: Why Sirius-XM should fire Howard Stern.  It’s a most articulate examination of the reasons why the Stern phenomenon is in its death throes:

Step 1. Spend 25 years brutally bashing celebrities for being self-absorbed, humorless attention whores. Send out stuttering assholes to torment them anytime they step onto a red carpet or promote a vanity “charity” project. Goof relentlessly on old idiots with fake hair, Chiclets for teeth, contrived costumes for clothes, and elitist attitudes and habits. Devote your entire career during that time and your entire persona to the fight for “free speech” against the FCC. Rant and rave against radio management for “ruining my show” with too many commercials. Express outrage at the lack of “integrity” of shows that permit product placements.

Step 2. Routinely tell millions of people that other people’s wives are “horse-faces” and “fidgets” and “butherfaces”; pray that other people’s little kids become gay junkies; and play (replay, and re-replay) daily clips from TV shows that are so bad they’re almost good. Destroy competing disc-jockeys for promoting the stupid vanity bullshit of their talentless wives and for shilling their stupid books and other shit in their shows. Call them out for using ghostwriters to “write” their books.

Step 3. Call out your competitors for “doing a disservice” to their audiences because they don’t work 5 days a week. Repeat that mantra countless times on the air and on guest appearances on TV. Call out idiots in the entertainment industry for being untalented bags of shit who got lucky in the looks department. Spend your whole 6th decade of life glued to some hair that got ripped off a Third-World person’s head. Crow about all your charitable work for the NSAL from under that hair hat and show up to NSAL events wearing leather and carrying obscenely expensive leather purses and manpurses.

Step 4. Start taking up all the hobbies and habits that you spent endless hours tearing other people new assholes for. Get super busy buying Eurotrash clothes for teens with a know-nothing creepy fuck who has been caught stealing money from poker tables and at dinner tables and who makes Kato Kaelin look like a Nobel laureate. Insert clauses into all contracts establishing that creepy fuck’s importance to provide him a lifetime salary for nothing and establishing the “paramount” importance of the rest of the ’round-the-clock looks maintenance team that you employ on the dime of your TV show. Refer to all that vain shit as “evolution” instead of admitting it and just allowing it to generate some harmless humor and goofing at your expense in the spirit of what your show used to be about for 25+ years.

Step 5. Refuse to allow the same sources of humor that used to be organic to your show by letting a psychotic cunt opt out of uncomfortable conversations even though she contributes nothing else of value to your show. When she embarrasses herself all by herself on the air over something ridiculous and walks off the show, refuse to allow any comment on it on your show or on any other show on your 2 channels. Pretend it never happened. Bore us with Ralph’s “input” daily but then hold back on the one thing he did that got him banned from your home. Reference it regularly, always declining to discuss it, and invite Ralph to do it himself for the 10th time. Bore us with Benjy’s endless unfunny shtick but even let him opt out of conversations about a photograph taken of exactly the way that idiot chooses to present himself in public at your party. Keep replaying the “No more Bullshit” mantra during commercials.

Step 6. Start changing your tune about all those talentless shitbags who got lucky every time your new wife meets one of them. Share a private jet with one of them and his mega-famous wife but barely mention it on the show. Blow off long-term employees’ weddings that were planned around your convenience and previous complaints about time of year and location to make last-minute social plans with that same talentless shitbag you recently befriended. Ignore the funeral of two 25-year employees’ parents (except to have your assistant send flowers and food) but make sure you personally attend those of anybody famous if you met them only once or twice at a party when they were alive because those are opportunities to see and be seen. Cry like a cunt (again) that you weren’t given preferential seating as a VIP.

Step 7. Refuse to replace the only funny person on the show and turn what was a funny show that relied on your orchestrating other people’s humor into a safe, 2-way conversation about gay TV shows between you and a no-talent cunt who was never remotely interesting, funny, or entertaining, except in the few ways that you have now decided to protect her from. “Meanwhile,” allow her to promote her various vanity projects and those of her shitbag friends and the douchebag she fucks but refuses to discuss on the air as much as she wants instead of show content. Refuse to include any of the actual show “talent” in harmless bits like the IQ test and foist anything potentially embarrassing on the office staff nobody gives a flying fuck about. Impose strict moratorium on any discussion of your indoor bowling alley and those new in-mouth pins you call “teeth.”

Step 8. Cut back your days to 4 and then 3 per week, but make sure you first lie to your audience about your intention to do just that each time. Call it something incredibly patronizing and stupid and sleazy like “some Fridays” and a “flexible” schedule when it’s actually every Friday for the next 5 years and it’s so calculated and completely inflexible that the contract spells out the exact number of shows required and you end up having to make up some before the end of the year because you accidentally took off even more days than you were allowed to by contract. Make it painfully obvious that you refuse to be there a single minute beyond your formal obligation, start playing as many commercials as you used to say “ruined your show” and also cram in about a dozen live reads during the last hour of the show. Insert countless bumpers and music to waste still more time. Start the show at 6:10 instead of 6:00 as often as possible. Respond to fans’ totally understandable and legitimate complaints by telling them you piss on them. Just keep insisting that the show’s “better than ever” that this is “the best crew we’ve ever had” and that you “hit it outta the park” daily. Rely exclusively on the opinions of celebrity sycophants and of 2 or 3 obsessed wackjob fans and torment your audience with regular calls from the most annoying Long Island twat who ever lived who has nothing better to do than live on the phone on hold 4 hours every fucking day that your show is live. Install an ISDN line so we can hear the one with an 85 IQ and nothing interesting to say (ever) pretend that he’s not using every point of his miniscule IQ struggling to read his pathetic list of asshole-licking questions he stayed up all night writing just to tape himself praise every smelly shit you take for the 1,000th time. Take absolutely no note of the fact that those two and dimwit losers like “Double A” and a leaching shitbag who can’t even figure out how to wipe his ass after 40 years on the planet are representative of the type of individuals who really think you’re a person to be “admired.”

Step 9. Work 3 days a week and make it very clear that you consider that doing your fans a huge fuckin’ favor. Spend the rest of your time on the same hobbies you once tore others new assholes for taking seriously, walking red carpets, and tweeting out ridiculously photoshopped pictures of your model wife that are so bad that the vanity calendar you created actually makes it onto photshopgonewrong.com. Start crying like a cunt (again) on the air that your fans are too “mean” because they’ve been goofing on you and your wife and your stupid statements and projects on the Internet the exact same way you’ve always goofed on other celebutards before you became one. Implore the owner of an independent website not affiliated in any way with your show to close down his forum because you don’t like what your fans have been saying about how horrible your show’s become in the last 2 years and about your wife’s looks. Don’t consider for even a split second that they may actually have any valid complaint or a point about the show’s incredible drop in quality since Artie left. Continue not inviting him in for an interview while he tours other shows and broadcasts his own 5 nights a week even though he’s said he’d love to come in to talk about everything. Claim it’s strictly out of concern for “him.”

Step 10. Come back the next day and close out the year by announcing that you’ve taken a job on the gayest TV show of all time that your fans hated just hearing you talk about for the last few years on the same network that you called Jay Leno a cunt for continuing to work for after they fucked him the same way they once fucked you. Cut back your horrible show to 2 days any week that you choose to “work” at that other job you only took as a “Fuck you” to your current employer for “only” paying you about $80 million in your new contract. Use about an hour per remaining show to explain how grueling it is to be on a TV show and that you’re still working very hard whenever you’re not on the air for Sirius.

Congratulations KOAM. Enjoy your retirement. Good luck with that whole Internet censorship campaign thing.

Many, many thanks to Clumpy Stern for leaving this extraordinary commentary on The Howard Stern Show, thus giving us the opportunity to highlight it in published form.

Follow MadMike’sAmerica on Facebook and Twitter, and don’t forget to visit our HOME PAGE.

Happy

0 0 %

Sad

0 0 %

Excited

0 0 %

Sleepy

0 0 %

Angry

0 0 %

Surprise

0 0 %