British TV: The Greatest Whoever Is Total Nonsense

by Neil Bamforth

I have no idea whether this absurd desire to name the greatest somebody at something has caught on over there in America. It wouldn’t actually surprise me if I discovered such madness actually started there – no offence. Over here in Blighty, a plethora of TV programs have been airing trying to find the best ever of the best at being the best at what ever it was they were the best at.

Utter, utter, garbage.

The nadir was a program about the best ever person who was British – or something like that. Actually it might have been the best ever human being on the planet rather than specifically British, I don’t know or, to be honest, care.

What I do care about is how anyone can actually be paid to devise this gibberish.

Although I didn’t watch it, I do remember that Winston Churchill, Mahatma Gandhi (ah! I was right! It wasn’t specifically British) and David Bowie were in the mix together. The viewers were asked to vote for their favorite, and the one with the most votes would be announced as the greatest ever life form in the known universe – or something like that.

If memory serves, the chap who managed to break the Enigma Code during WWII won it – and no, despite the movie suggesting it was all down to America it wasn’t, it was what’s his name? – thingymibob? – hang on, popping to Google – Alan Turing! That’s the fella. Anyway, he won.

I’m sure, if he was alive, he would have been delighted. Unfortunately he topped himself many moons ago. Something about being gay and not being accepted. Well, it was the 40’s.

Anyway. Apart from the fact David Bowie should have won hands down, what a load of old bollocks eh?

The latest addition to the best ever TV drama, the best ever meat pie and the best ever left handed user of a screwdriver, on our screens has been the best ever footballer. That’s proper football incidentally, not that odd, albeit enjoyable mallarky they call football in the USA.

A player called Thierry Henry won it. I wouldn’t mind so much if he wasn’t French. I mean to say, at least pick an English player. I know we haven’t got many good ones any more but we used to have!

All the ‘finalists’ were forwards or, strikers. You know, the ones who tend to score the goals. The poor old defenders and goal keepers didn’t get a look in.

I only watched it as all the other channels were obsessively waffling on about Brexit and I wanted a breather.

Actually, I know a bloody good candidate for the best ever somebody who was a footballer and, come to that, a goal keeper. I know he’s German but nobody is perfect are they?

Bert Trautmann. He was a German prisoner of war in WWII. Someone spotted he was a damn good keeper in the prison camp and, after the war, he had a great career with Manchester City. His legend was enhanced after he was injured in an F.A. Cup final. After treatment he carried on playing and City won. Afterwards it was discovered he had played on with a broken neck!

A legend is Bert Trautmann. Well, he is up north where I come from anyway. He died in 2013 aged 89 I think.

A movie has been made about him called ‘The Keeper’. I’ve heard it’s terrific. His son was on Breakfast TV this morning and said so. I will certainly be seeing it.

Maybe one day some maniac TV show developer will get huge sums of money to devise a show called ‘The Greatest Ever Goal Keeper To Win The F.A. Cup With A Broken Neck’.

There might be only one candidate but, unlike the rest of the crap ‘best of what ever it is shows’, at least it will have some validity!

If I see another ‘best ever’ show in the next decade it will be a decade too soon. I actually think I’ll enjoy watching more Brexit programs than ‘best ever bullshit’ shows.

Somebody once said something to the effect that TV should educate and entertain. Somebody else has forgotten that.

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