A Message From ‘The Tall Man’ Who Should Rule The World
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I can but apologise profusely to one of my greatest heroes, Mr John Cleese esq. I have borrowed this transcript from him and intend to forward it on to all sane people in government – in other words I will not be forwarding it on:
ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2015 EUROPE
From JOHN CLEESE
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the Bastards.” They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France ‘s white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country’s military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”
The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose.”
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels ..
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be right, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is cancelled.” So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.
Regards,
John Cleese ,
British writer, actor and tall person
And as a final thought – Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.
Life is too short…
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I meant them and Germany, of course, but my citizenship does not permit admission of error.
Of course not…
Was it an oversight to omit any disdainful comments about the Americans? Perhaps we should be offended, but since we’re offended by the existence of all other countries except for Disneyland and Disney World it really doesn’t matter.
But still, although we Colonials, despite their invaluable assistance in defeating the Crown and their nearly successful attempt to defeat the British once again a few years later, seem to share that really unfair and supercilious assessment. It’s not their fault that there is no channel between them and you and of course they didn’t have our assistance. I seem to recall as well that what was dismissed as cowardice in the pre-Gulf war jingofest was in fact an accurate assessment of the WMD situation.
But I will take the omission as acknowledgement of American superiority and give one of those little wrist waves the Queen does so well.
Cheerio.
It is Mr Cleese’s communique alone. I have no idea why he missed out America.
Perhaps he could have said “America, having spent several years at ‘Def Comm OMG a Black President???’ is now reducing it to ‘Def Comm OMG we haven’t a Black President anymore’ as he is going shortly.
Mind you, they might have a woman President soon so may return to ‘Def Comm OMG a woman President????’ or even ‘Def Comm OMG we’ve elected someone called Trump now the Brits will think we like farting’
There is, of course, the highly improbable ‘Def Comm OMG America isn’t the centre of the world???” This has never been used as so many Americans have yet to realise that, on leaving America there are ‘other places’ that aren’t America.
The shock to their system on such a discovery may be terminal 😉