Republican journal entries

I miss writing The Bachmann Diaries. The day she quit the race, I’ll admit it, I wept. I thought “Never again will there be someone so completely oblivious to reality, so totally wrong about every single aspect of this country and so perfect for satire.” I was wrong! There are a myriad of Republicans serving our country by not creating jobs, not supporting the middle class and refusing to read the Constitution. And it turns out, they keep journals. Mad Mike’s has gotten our hands on a few entries from some noted Republicans, and we’d like to share them with you, our readers.

June whatever

We need more guns. Obviously, the liberals are planning to take our guns as sure as they are taking our religion. It’s sad, when you think about it. Liberals don’t use guns, except when they’re committing a crime. Liberals don’t care if someone needs a gun to protect their family. Yes, I know, you don’t really use a gun to protect your family, you use it to kill minorities and threaten your wife, but we’ve got folks believing they need a gun, or 6, to protect the kiddies, and that’s how we win. Christians need guns to shoot atheists. Jesus would have been a gunslinger in the Old West-dressed in chaps, boots and a White Stetson. Never black. His blue eyes piercing the midday sun as He drew down on some lazy Mexican. I should write a book. Why the hell didn’t anyone want me to be president? It was that stupid jacket, I know it. I should never have made that commercial wearing that homo jacket. Rickie (Rick Perry)

Never thought it would end like this. Never did. I raised more money, again, than anyone else. I want to legalize drugs, all drugs, even those zombie making bath salt things. I hate Israel, and the Jews. Oh. Darn it. Rand is right, I need to be more subtle about things like the Jews. And the blacks. Negroes vote, now, which I don’t think is the best idea. That’s how we wound up with Obama-all the Negroes voted for one of their own. Thank God no Jews are running. Maybe if I hadn’t talked about not giving Israel any more money. Or maybe if I could get more people to accept Creationism as the true origin of everything, instead of that stupid theory. Maybe I’ll put on my pointy hat and garden for the afternoon. Uncle Ron (Ron Paul)

May, 2012

What asshole made it illegal to smoke in my office? For shit’s sake, I need to smoke in my own fucking office. Cantor is such a WUSS. God dammit. I hate my job. Oh no, John, it’ll be great! Trust me, John, the tea party loves you and they fell for the whole lie. Like hell they did. Frigging morons. There’s not a day since November that I haven’t had a headache. Screwdrivers help, though. And Altoids. I just wish someone could explain to me how we wound up with a MORMON as our candidate. A flip flopping, pro-choice, pro-gay marriage MORMON. His own religion thinks blacks are demons, so how the hell is he pro-gays? What happened? We were so close with Santorum, we could have had a real chance at this, but NOOOO, we have Mitt Romney. I need a drink. Maybe I’ll go tanning. And kick Cantor in the fucking mouth. Johnny (John Boehner)

June 11th, 2012

I had the dream again, about the Maserati. God I loved that car. If I had just planned that more carefully, I could have gotten away with it. What’s that disease, where you steal without knowing it? Klepto something. I have that, I think. Maybe that’s why I’m still doing it. Three nights ago, there was this gorgeous Jaguar parked a few yards down the street. I took it. I don’t even know what I did with it. That’s not the point, though. Project Gunrunner is driving me nuts. The press is doing their job, for the most part, by making it sound like this whole thing was Obama, but those frigging “independent” journalists are screaming that it started under GW. I KNOW it started under GW, the rest of the country doesn’t. If this doesn’t work, I will be David Koch’s caddie for the rest of my life. Smart people suck. Gone In 60 Seconds Or Less HA! (Darrell Issa)

2012, dates don’t matter anymore.

He hates me. I think he wants me dead. I do everything he tells me to, and it’s never enough. I got Wiener, I got people to blame black farmers for no flood relief in Missouri. I DID THAT, but it’s not enough. I feel his eyes boring into my head when I go to the bathroom or walk down the halls. His emails are cruel. He sent me a photo of my face, with the caption “Most punchable face in Congress,” and at the bottom was a picture of a boxing glove. Who does that? I do the best I can, I never sleep, I barely eat, and he won’t leave me alone. When I signed that contract with the Koch brothers, okay, yes, it was weird that I had to sign it in my own blood, but I never, NEVER thought it would be like this. They promised me country clubs and gorgeous prostitutes and money, and what do I have? Adult acne, a permanently bent spine, a caffeine addiction and night sweats. You know what? I WANT Obama to win. I can’t do this anymore. (Eric Cantor)

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