Here’s the Thing About Giving Advice

by Gregory B. Gonzalez

I really hate when people hit me up for advice. It happens so often that it feels like I should be charging people for it. Either that, or maybe I should shave my head, move to Tibet, and become a monk. But as Bill Murray famously said in the film Stripes, “Have you ever seen a monk get wildly fu*ked by some teenage girls? No? So much for the monastery!”

Not that I’m looking to be ravaged by underage girls, just saying.

Anyway, I dunno why people dump their problems on me. The last time I checked, I wasn’t a burning bush. Besides, I can barely handle my own issues. I once asked a friend, “What is it about me that everybody comes to me for advice?”

She said, “Because everybody trusts you and besides, you know everything!”

Great. So by that standard, I should be a politician. I’ll pass. I’d rather be a janitor in a brothel than a congressman. It’s equally scummy and messy, but at least there would be naked women.

But I digress.

I don’t think I know everything. If there was one thing I realized in my 30’s, it’s that I don’t know shit. Now that I’m in my 40’s, I know that it isn’t only knowledge that makes you wise, it’s also experience. And just my luck, I have an abundance of both.

I always laugh at people who claim to be relationship experts, especially ones who don’t have that much experience in them. As far as life goes, well, I guess it just depends on who you turn to. Clinical experience is fine, I guess, but I think the best advice comes from people who have lived through it. For instance, if I wanted to write a story that involved crime, I’d probably hit up Mad Mike. He used to be a cop. I certainly wouldn’t rely on reruns of Law & Order.

Still, I try to be helpful. And I have to admit, I’ve given a lot of advice to my friends when they needed it. When one of my friends was thinking of leaving her marriage in favor of some guy she’d had a thing for, I told her not to unless she was absolutely certain that she didn’t love her husband anymore.

As it turned out, she stayed with her husband. They’ve been together twenty years and even had another kid, none of which would’ve happened had I not intervened. Funny thing is, I couldn’t stand her husband and would have gleefully cheered if she had dumped him. But I chose to do the right thing. Dammit.

Most of the time, I believe people already know what the right thing to do is, they just need reassurance. The trick to giving advice is listening and not applying the situation to what you would do. You’re not in that situation, and you’re not the person in it.

I mean, when my friend, Caryn, asked me what to do about this guy she was dating who wouldn’t commit to a relationship, I said, “Dump him. Just keep it at the friendship level and he’ll come around.” As it happened, he realized how much she meant to him, and now they’re a serious couple.

Those are only two examples. I could give more, but I don’t want to leave everybody with the impression that I’m looking to be MMA’s version of Ann Landers. I’m not Socrates. I don’t pretend to know everything, and I wouldn’t presume that I do.

I think it’s important that everyone learns new things, expands their horizons and experiences new things. When you don’t question your ideas or your beliefs, you stagnate. As someone a Hell of a lot smarter than me once said, “A wise man will always have doubts, only fools are certain.”

There’s nothing wrong with turning to a friend for an outside perspective, sometimes you need it. But the important thing to remember is to take it with a grain of salt and take from it what applies to you, personally. If things go wrong, you shouldn’t place the blame on the person you chose to confide in. Everyone is responsible for their own choices in life, right or wrong.

As far as I’m concerned, I may not always like being the person everyone turns to, but I’d rather bear the responsibility for my loved ones than have them turn to someone who might make it worse. Like Dr. Phil.

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