What Will 2019 Bring?

by Neil Bamforth

Any ideas? Any thoughts on what 2019 will bring? That’s the problem with a question like that really isn’t it? The only genuinely honest answer is “Dunno” or “No idea, to be honest”. Lots of people will tell you what 2019 will bring of course. There are always lots of people who seem to have access to some mystical crystal ball. Access denied to most of us.

Trump might be impeached? Not an unreasonable guess. Then again, he might not. Trump being impeached is, at the moment, more of a desire for many. If he is impeached in 2019, no doubt there will be many who say “I knew he would be!”  No they didn’t. They hoped and even, possibly, believed he would be.

The people with access to these mystical crystal balls often wheel out ‘experts’ to support their beliefs. It doesn’t seem to dawn on them that they ‘believe’ rather than know, along with showing some concrete evidence to back them up.

Take Brexit over here. Please, somebody, take the bloody thing. It’s driving us all nuts!

The Brexiteers insist it will be a golden new dawn and bring experts in business, politics and God knows what to support their beliefs.

The Remainers insist it will be apocalyptical and bring out experts in business, politics and God knows what to support their beliefs.

(Please note : you are free to replace ‘God knows what’ with the deity of your choice)

Also, both sides hold a firm belief in their stance. And? Many people believe in God or Allah or Buddah. That’s the problem when you try talking sense to anyone with a strong belief. You can’t.

It always makes me laugh when one side or the other brings an ‘expert’ out regarding Brexit. On the grounds that there has never been anything remotely like Brexit before, precisely how can anyone have any expertise? They may well have expertise regarding politics or business or what ever, but Brexit? No. Psychic abilities then?

Greenland left the European Union in 1985 but that doesn’t really count as Greenland hasn’t got any economic clout. It’s export market is fish and, well, fish really. Greenland is mainly important to Dolphins who like fish.

Anyway. Supposedly, the UK is leaving the EU in March. Yeah, right. I’ll believe that one when I see it.

So, what else might happen in 2019?

No idea. Let’s take a few guesses. Just for fun.

Climate change results in 200 mph winds in Washington. Donald Trumps hair gets caught up in a strong gust and he’s sucked up into the sky never to be seen again. Who said climate change is a bad thing??

Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II decides she has had quite enough of British politicians and locks them all up in the tower, returning Britain to a monarchy. The people are so pleased with her they all catch diseases not seen since the reign of Queen Elizabeth I to make it all more authentic.

The European Union declares war on Russia. President Vladimir Putin dies of a heart attack brought on by laughing hysterically for a solid three weeks. The Swedish bit of the EU army revolt after refusing to get their hair cut. Germany declares war on everybody, including the EU, because it’s been a while since they did and think they might get to win for once.

If the Queen doesn’t lock them all up in the tower, Britain’s Labour party are elected to power. Prime Minister Jeremy Corbyn immediately renames Britain ‘New Palestine’ and sternly tells Israel off. Israel upsets him by asking who he is. London is renamed Fidel Castro City.

British towns such as Rochdale, Rotherham and Oldham, along with large parts of Birmingham are given autonomy and introduce Sharia law. London is divided into regions of which several are now governed by Sharia law.

Political correctness is enshrined in western democracy law and millions are locked up for laughing at inappropriate jokes.

India asks Britain to start giving them lots of money again as their people are starving and they had to spend billions on their nuclear and space programs instead of feeding their people. (No change there then)

Iran and Saudi Arabia nuke each other out of existence and the world unites to rejoice, until that pesky dust cloud appears and everybody unites in saying “Oh shit!” while running away very quickly.

British Home Secretary Dianne Abbott has all white people locked up as they are racist.

History teachers across western democracies are purged for teaching historical truths that upset young people who wish it hadn’t happened and firmly believe that if people stop teaching it, it didn’t happen.

Technologically advanced aliens arrive from a distant galaxy to invade Earth. Take one look and go home again.

The USA’s education system seems to improve slightly as young people can now find the USA on a map of the world.

Ireland collapses economically as people start to drink cheap Guinness brewed in Botswana. On the plus side, they don’t run out of potatoes.

All other life forms on Earth unite against humanity and we all realize that Douglas Adams was onto something as the Dolphins all vanish leaving a note that says “Thanks for all the fish”.

2020 is cancelled due to:

A) lack of interest

B) humanity is deceased

C) all of the above

The ants then declare it Year 1.

A happy, safe and prosperous New Year to all who survive it.

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