Florida Tea Party: Jesus Hates Manatees
Read Time:3 Minute, 26 Second
Manatee brothers UNITE!
Manatees are gentle and generally slow-moving. Most of their time is spent eating vegetation (100-150 lbs. per day), resting and traveling. On average manatees can travel about 40 to 50 miles a day, sometimes farther. Chessie, the famed manatee rescued from the cold waters of the Chesapeake Bay and returned to Florida, was tagged with a locating device which showed he traveled as far as Rhode Island during hot summer months. They are completely harmless to anything but vegetation, and possibly the Tea Baggers.
You see, according to the gospel of the Tea Baggers, Jesus hates manatees and would never have approved of elevating nature above man. You see God really wants his followers to continue to destroy all living things so that they can live in a word that is bereft of all living things, not to mention boiling hot…like hell.
Now from time to time we do spoof certain subjects, thanks to CAP and The Onion, but I promise you this is not one of those spoofs. These idiots really exist and they are committed. What bothers me is, knowing Florida as I do, they just might win. After all Rick Scott won and THAT was a huge surprise.
Here’s the partly edited story from New Times:
Originating from the Citrus County Tea Party Patriots group, teabaggers crazies are crying about the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service’s intent to place restrictions against boating and other things near the city of Crystal River — and now they’re trying to get all Florida Tea Partiers to ask congress to block the wildlife service, according to the St. Petersburg Times.
And why would they be trying to do this? Because protecting animals like manatees is against the Bible and the Bill of Rights, according to one Tea Party leader.
“We cannot elevate nature above people,” Citrus County Tea Party Patriots leader Edna Mattos told the paper. “That’s against the Bible and the Bill of Rights.”
Preparing for the reality of bowing down to our new manatee overlords, Mattos tells the paper that if animal-loving hippies would’ve been around in the days of dinosaurs, we’d all be living in a movie starring Jeff Goldblum right now.
“If some of these environmental movements had been around in the days of the dinosaurs, we’d be living in Jurassic Park now,” Mattos told the paper.
Thank goodness the Tea Party is here to prevent us all from becoming manatee food or, gasp, nature lovers.
Of course, what Tea Party talking point would be any good without a conspiracy theory about the United Nations?
The St. Pete Times has the answer to that:
Current regulations have helped boost the manatee population from 100 to 500, so clearly they’re sufficient, Mattos said. In fact, in her view, the manatee rules tie in to global development issues.
“We believe that (federal regulators’) aim is to control the fish and wildlife, in addition to the use of the land that surrounds this area, and the people that live here and visit. … As most of us know, this all ties in to the United Nations’ Agenda 21 and Sustainability.”
Agenda 21 is a program, adopted by the U.N. in 1992, to encourage countries around the world to promote only development that does not harm nature. Pundit Glenn Beck and other conservatives have attacked it as an attempt to impose world government’s rules on every aspect of American lives. The Citrus County tea party group’s website says Agenda 21 is “designed to make humans into livestock.”
Fictional manatees are not happy about the Tea Party’s plans:
“These tea party bitches tryna keep a brotha down,” Gangsta Manatee posts on Twitter. “Oh hell naw! Manatee brothas unite!”
When I read stories such as this I am mindful of that old saying “you’ve come a long way baby!” I have rid myself of the shackles of religion, Jesus, the Bible and its believers and go placidly amidst the noise and haste as a contented Atheist. SAVE THE MANATEES–Boil the tea bags……
Hat tip to Mare Adams for this little gem!
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Mike: The Teabaggers must also then believe that Michael Vick was wrongly incarcerated. Talk about a case of elevating nature over man! I guess domesticated animals are in a more ‘human’ class than wild ones.
Mike, this is one where the Bible thumpers are misinterpreting their own book. Where they read that there God gave them dominion over the earth and all of its creatures they see as they can destroy anything they wish. The full meaning of that is that man was to be the care takers of the earth and all of its creatures. Of course, the biggest mistake that their God made was to ever allow humans to even exist on this earth.
Leviticus is the bible culprit here Bill and the Krazy Kristians just can’t stop taking him literally.
Well, just remember Mike, most of Leviticus is Moses’ laws. A little more study shows Jesus’ opinion of Moses’ laws is a lot less positive than the average tea-baggers. Critical analysis would indicate that your ‘Krazy Kristians’ might more acurately be described as ‘Myopic Mosesians.’ Unfortunately, the ones least likely to see the distinction are the kooks in question.
Let me get this straight. This really is not a spoof?
NOT a spoof…..All true….
Hmmm…this is one OF MANY where the Bible thumpers are misinterpreting thier own book. Or just not reading it, and allowing their Religious Reichsfuerur(s) to misinterpret it for them, usually for political ends, prestige, power, or just plain profit. Also, God repented for making man. I’ve chosen to forgive Him.
Bradley writes:
“Also, God repented for making man. I’ve chosen to forgive Him.”
I must say that was very big of you Bradley, but I just can’t bring myself to do it. Making man was the greatest mistake ever…
Maybe Mike, but He did create us free moral agents. We have complete liberty to be as good or bad as we choose. Besides, as an Atheist, you don’t believe in God, so who in your reality is at fault, and whom can you not forgive?
You’re kidding aren’t you Mike? I know you said you weren’t and I followed the link but it’s just so dang hard to believe that rational people could think like this. It’s crazy! Crazy! Crazy!
Oh Barry! If we know anything we know that the Religious Reich, a sub-group of which call themselves the tea party, is not made up of rational people. When you factor in that the folk in question need not make sense, or tell the truth, and may, when politically expedient, ignore the most sacred and central tenents of the faith to which they claim to have committed their lives, their behaviour isn’t so shocking.