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When respected religious leader, secessionist, Texas Governor Pastor Rick Perry, proclaimed his candidacy. His platform includes a National Prayer Day—or maybe several. He told the conservative audience in South Carolina We need to focus on jobs: if elected, I promise to hold a National Day of Prayer for Jobs. Texas has more Prayer Days than any other state. If elected, I’ll bring this nation to its knees.
Perry promises Prayer Days for more crises than jobs. He plans to add school prayer and abstinence-only programs as part of his national educational policy.
We instituted abstinence-only education in Texas under my leadership, I’m proud to report teen pregnancies have soared. So has teen pregnancy. Under my leadership as governor of Texas, our child pregnancy rate is about 50% higher than the national average. Once we convert this nation back to God-fearing Christians, more married women will be required to become birthers: We will require families to have at least 10 children. We must institute Christianity as a constitutional amendment to join Church and State as our Founding Fathers intended. We need to repeat this success nationwide. Abstinence and prayer work.
If these noteworthy changes in education aren’t enough, Perry states National Prayer Day is only the beginning of his vision for a new nation. Prayer in school will be mandatory. He promises to end courses that teach out there evolution in favor of Creationism.
He plans to ensure all children believe in all science: as much as can fit in charismatic Christianity and tea party churches. Perry insists that he will allow children to believe everything business groups believe, such as the global climate change fallacy and anything else his campaign contributors will require children to believe.
Once he requires all citizens to convert to Christianity, the presidential hopeful intends to force the U.S. Supreme Court to mandate teaching creationism in public schools: evolutionary curriculum will become illegal. Perry notes that heathen teachers will immediately lose jobs and join the unemployment lines with the rest of the socialist, commie, Godless liberals. Perry notes that Creationism is a truth even a seven-year-is old is qualified to know the truth.
Over 160,000 new students expected to enter the Texas school system over the next two years. Perry clearly demonstrates he is ready for Texas’ education challenge to stop school overcrowding. He plans a $4—billion budget cut for education funds. He is proud of his record that Texas leads the nation in healthcare statistics. Under his leadership, more than 43% of Texans lack health coverage—a full 18% over the national average of 25% he told cheering crowds.
He plans to amend the current Ponzi scheme that is Social Security and Medicare. He blames the federal government for Texas’ high uninsurance rates.
Well, bottom line is that we would not have that many people uninsured in the state of Texas if you didn’t have the federal government. We’ve had requests in for years at the Health and Human Services agencies to have that type of flexibility where we could have menus, where we could have co-pays, and the federal government refuses to give us that flexibility.
We know for a fact that, given that freedom, the states can do a better job of delivering health care. And y’all see substantially more people not just in Texas, but all across the country have access to better health care.
We are going to gut Obama-care when I become president. We need a straight talking no-nonsense Texas Governor in charge, especially one who prays as much as me. Why does America need health care? We can simply bow down in prayer, and the sick in our entire nation will be cured.
Perry’s success with the death penalty will win over many conservatives. I executed more people than anyone else—even Dubya. I’m proud of my record of 234 executions. No act demonstrates our commitment to individual liberty as much as Texas’ death penalty. We love it. Y’all will too. He will institute legislation to require that inmates pray before they are executed.
His praiseworthy goals to rid Texas of common criminals—guilty or not. His faith is so great that he never worried whether Texas executed an innocent man. He uses prayer and God tells Perry who to execute.
I’ve never struggled with that [the death penalty] at all. The state of Texas has a very thoughtful, a very clear process in place. When someone commits the most heinous of crimes against our citizens, they get a fair hearing, they go through an appellate process, they go up to the Supreme Court of the United States if that’s required.
In the state of Texas, if you come into our state and you kill one of our children, you kill a police officer, you’re involved with another crime and you kill one of our citizens, you will face the ultimate justice in the state of Texas, and that is you will be executed.
Perry exudes warmth. His environmental record clearly proves his regard for Texas’ environment, ensuring that all Texans receive adequate sunlight.
His laudable tea-party fiscal conservatism is apparent. He strongly and repeatedly attacks President Obama’s stimulus package. I have been vocal in my opposition to Obama’s Federal stimulus funds, and have refused to take any government funds, except those I haven’t refuse to take. He engages in daily prayer to overturn the president’s socialist policies.
Before Perry took his oath as Texas governor, he spent private, quality prayer time with his beneficent contributors. He thanked God for the tireless efforts and patronage of oil executives, beer distributors, lobbyists, cigarette manufacturers, and big-dollar campaign donors: his donors generously gave him $2 million as campaign contributions, expecting nothing in return.
These donors have Americans’ best interests at heart, hoping that fracking will allow Americans rampant consumption and a return to the good old days when hybrids were unheard of.
Perry told Californians that state budget problems can be ended through prayer. California’s Republicans are so impressed by Perry’s stellar record, that Northrop Grumman, Fluor, and Hewlett-Packard each gave more than $10,000 to Perry’s campaigns. Wealthy Republicans in Orange County enthusiastically endorse Perry the Texas governor.
Although some statements in this post are satire, others are not. Does Perry plan to follow through on instituting National Prayer Day if elected?Click here for reuse options!